Some days are harder than others
Becoming a mum at just 17- it terrified me. From a young age, Doctors warned me that carrying a baby full term would be a mission in itself. So when I became pregnant at just 16 years old, I never second guessed being a mum. I felt it was my one and only chance.
I had a fairly rough pregnancy- severe morning sickness from beginning to end. Consequently I only gained 1.2kg the whole pregnancy. Yet I safely delivered my first born daughter, weighing in at 6lb, full term.
After a year passed, I found out I was pregnant again
Ecstatic, I couldn’t believe it. I thought I was the luckiest young lady. The excitement soon turned to sadness at my 12 week scan, when they said baby’s heart beat had stopped. I miscarried, but it was a “missed miscarriage”- meaning I had no bleeding, and had to have baby surgically removed.
I remember crying uncontrollably. A million thoughts ran through my head- was it something I ate, something I did? Everyone at the hospital reassured me- these things happen, and they are beyond our control.
I remember everyone asking, “So how far along are you now?” Then, when I gave them the news..
The awkward silence. My child was never mentioned again.
They told me I should feel thankful. That at least I had my first born child, when some women don’t even get one. Like I should be comforted over the loss of my second child?!
The following year I fell pregnant again. This time I didn’t get the same excited feeling because of the feelings still haunting me from my second pregnancy,
I had first scan. I had my 2nd scan. When I found out all was well, my excitement came. 2 weeks later I experienced really horrible cramping. Then at 14 weeks I went in to see my obstetrician. He pulled out the doppler to check for baby’s heart beat, and he couldn’t find it. “Baby must be playing hide seek, most likely a cheeky one, like their big sissy,”
He awkwardly smiled, trying to offer comfort, but I knew. Instantly, the tears rolled down my cheeks. He took me in for another ultrasound, he tried so hard to find that heart beat. Yet it wasnt there, again. I had another missed miscarriage.
By this stage, I was numb
Again, I was to go for surgery to have the procedure. I heard all the same stuff as my first loss, this time I just nodded my head at everything they said. I didn’t even have the strength to talk. The following year I was pregnant again, and it was the same scenario. Healthy baby at 12 weeks, but one week later my angel passed.
Giving up all hope on having another child earth side, I focused on my studies.
I was sitting in my hospitality course and I could smell the food cooking. Instantly, I felt nauseous, so I excused myself from class. AS I traveled back home, I spent the afternoon being sick. Honestly, I didn’t think much of it.
My gyno had called to say he booked me in for surgery on my cervix (having had cin3). He said I should be up nice and early the next day for surgery. Surgery went well- I came home and rested for a few days. But I still continued to feel ill and had some very heavy bleeding, so went to the gp for a check up, worried something was wrong.
He booked me in for a scan urgently. As I was laid on the bed, the sonographer started saying “Everything looks okay here love… looks like a suture may have come undone and caused a little bleeding, and you have a sub chronic hematoma but your baby is well.”
Shocked I said “I’m not pregnant, sorry.” He turned the screen around so I could see my baby.
No sorry you definitely are love- and from these measurements you’re 18 weeks along!!”
Shocked, I could not believe it!! I made him triple check for baby’s heart beat and measurements and even received the news from what he could see I was having a baby girl. The weeks passed. 20 weeks they confirmed a beautiful little baby girl. Again they checked at 26 weeks, just to be sure, another at 32 weeks and again at 38 weeks, my baby was growing healthy!!
I cried uncontrollably every time I saw my rainbow girl. I made them double check, triple check- my whole support system of medical professionals were beyond amazing. They totally understood my anxiety and struggle. So they never ever turned me away, more than happy to reassure me everything was okay with my rainbow girl.
New years Eve, 2013, at 5:30 pm, my waters broke
In a panic i had my partner drive me to the hospital,where we found it was hindwaters. The Staff broke my waters manually after finding some green discharge. i started panicking but they reassured all was well. They provided syntocin via drip, and delivered my beautiful rainbow baby, Hailey at 5.33am new years morning. We watched the fireworks out the window of the hospital bed all morning. She definitely was the highlight of 2014!
Just 6 months later, after being on the mini pill and exclusively breastfeeding, I went to my check up with the gp. They informed me of my impending pregnancy, again! This time, scared me- On contraception? Exclusively breastfeeding? What are my odds?!
4 weeks later, at my scan, it showed TWINS!!!
My heart raced a million miles an hour, emotion after emotion, but mostly happiness. However that haunting feeling stayed behind. At my 12 week scan we found that one twin had passed, but twin 2 was going strong. How do you mourn or grieve when you are still carrying one child? I blocked out all emotions and focused whole heartedly on my growing baby. 20 weeks came and i found out i was having my little boy. The momma’s boy I always dreamed of. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. Not for my loss, but for my gain. I kept the pain and angst of losing his twin silent.
My little rainbow twin Jayden came 8 days early. After a 56 minute labour, I just made it to the hospital- with him crowning!! My biggest baby at 7lb full term. The hospital discharged me 6 hours later. Both of his sisters and daddy were present at the birth. What an amazing feeling! I also remember feeling a touch on my shoulder whilst holding him in my arms for the first time. Then I saw Jayden give a little eye open and smile. I believe his twin was there that day and it offered that little extra comfort. The months passed as I busily chased after 3 beautiful babies.
18 months later it hit me. I cried. I cried so hard about every loss I’ve experienced, at every angel whose name has rarely been mentioned since. How time just goes by and everyone but you forget- well that’s how it feels anyway.
So I wrote this to show my support and share my story, so every mother and father who have endured the pain of child loss knows our babies are never forgotten.
We are not silenced and we should not be made to feel that our feelings are unjust. May all angels around the world fly high till they reunite with their loved ones xoxox
Learn more about this series, a letter from the Breastfeeding World Team
Join us in Breaking The Silence
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