The world around you moves on, as if your life was never shattered, and all you want the world to say is that your baby mattered.” – AJ Clark-Coates
Generally, birthdays for me are a time of sadness. I usually feel very lonely, because I live so far away from family. However, I felt so happy for my birthday this time. My birthday felt joyful because I was carrying our second child. I was 11 weeks pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant with our first planned pregnancy, (our 3 year old daughter being a happy surprise) my partner and I were delighted.
The day after my birthday, I started bleeding heavily. The hospital did not want me to come in on a Sunday. They said if it was a miscarriage, then there was nothing they could do.
I went in to hospital the next day. They did an internal scan to confirm our loss. The loss devastated me. Oddly enough, they couldn’t find anything in my womb at all. It took a week of numerous scans for medical staff to eventually discover my baby had taken up root in my left fallopian tube. I was carrying an ectopic pregnancy. The staff was shocked when I told them I didn’t experience a single ounce of pain. They scheduled me for surgery the following day. However, my tube ruptured and I was bleeding internally so they rushed me into emergency surgery.
The Following Couple of Weeks Blurred By
My friends disappeared (I assume as they didn’t know what to say). My partner was dealing with his own pain, and could not recognize our loss as the loss of a child. His family remained equally distant.
Two months later we found out we were pregnant again. Unfortunately I struggled to feel excited for this new life while still mourning my loss. That year, doctors diagnosed my daughter with type 1 diabetes only days after my son was born. It led me to suffer from post natal depression, something I still cope with now.
I wish people were not so afraid to talk to me. It’s what I needed. I hate to think of all the other women going through losses who feel deserted and alone after.
Learn more about this series, a letter from the Breastfeeding World Team
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