There is no way to explain the pain you go through after a losing a baby
It would take a lifetime because your baby deserved a lifetime. However, I will try to let you in as much as I can. You have to prepare yourself to let those feelings come back. It is such excruciating pain that you can’t let yourself feel them all the time, even if everything you do revolves around what happened.
I lost my sweet, naïve innocence on the day they told me there was no heartbeat. A part of me died that I will never get back. I had to deliver my son at 24 weeks knowing that I would not hear that sweet little cry. How do you describe that pain? You don’t.
It’s impossible to describe the pain of a real birth to a “still” baby
How do you explain the feeling of your body preparing for a child that isn’t here? Or of the longing you feel in your arms to hold a baby in the days after. You cannot prepare for missing the bump that you held every night- feeling the sweet movements of the being you love the most.
In the midst of this, how can you describe watching your families broken hearts? Or seeing your significant other in the same amount of pain, but you can do nothing to help. Nothing prepares you for the feeling you get when people who pretend you never had a baby- because he died. But mostly, nothing tells you about the strength it takes to look at everyone’s happy lives. It sucks to say but the pictures of pregnancy announcements, babies being born and moms out and about with their children make you cringe with pain. Don’t get me wrong you are happy for them. It’s a reminder exactly of the destroying, gut wrenching, suffocating, sickening pain you feel.
Now you’re probably wondering how I am sitting here writing this little story to you. Honestly, I am surprised myself because some days I don’t know how to go on. On other days I do, though, and I’ll let you in on that little secret.
Ready for it……LOVE!
The outpouring of love and support I got was overwhelmingly wonderful. Just knowing how loved my son was, made the days a little easier. I eventually started a support group. The moment everything started I began reaching out for help. I knew I needed to talk about what I was going through or I would explode. My support group is MWA (Mama’s With Angels), and we meet every Tuesday. Some of the strongest women I know, I have met through this group, my amazing new friends.
I also pumped and donated breast milk to an adoptive family. I am not the type of person to sit around and not give back when I can. The only other piece of advice is to take each day one at a time. I mention my son every day. I talk so much about what happened in hopes that I can help other moms get up off the steps of Hades.
Processing My Feelings
The first few days I thought there could be nothing worse than all the different emotions and physical pain that followed.
It felt like someone electrocuted my brain and told me to keep going through life normally. Eventually I became numb to the pain and went through life in a fog. I was in shock and didn’t know it.
Then one day I wrote out the most detailed, 10 page “story” of what happened to my son. That suffocating feeling came back. I released the Kraken, and it scared me. Terrified of these feelings, I thought, “there is no way I can come back from this.”
Then I realized you don’t come back, you write a different story.
So every day I let myself feel how I need to feel. Eventually I stopped being scared. I started embracing my new life- even in my unbelievable pain. I want to tell you that the grief gets easier, but it doesn’t. Perhaps it never will. You just start to appreciate, enjoy and love everything a bit more.
You are Not Alone
My due date just passed. In memorial, I went to make a bear the same weight as my son was. I cried when they told me to make a wish and put the heart in. How cruel, that I had a bear to hold instead of my son? But I thanked him, for showing me a love that I never knew before. I want you to know that you are not alone. Its okay to let out your emotions- to speak on the loss of your sweet baby. They are real, you are real, and the LOVE is real.
RIP Robert “Huey” Houston III 6/22/16
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