I found out I was pregnant while waiting for the surgeons to book an ER. I had no idea, but I was bleeding internally due to a ruptured cyst that had formed with the pregnancy. Miraculously, the baby made it through the surgery and my numbers were strong.
2 days later, I started spotting and lost the baby.
I was devastated.
I couldn’t work as I recovered from the surgery and was left wondering why my body betrayed me so much. Why were my hopes lifted so high only to be dropped down so, so low?
After my first miscarriage I thought nothing could ever be worse. It was my first pregnancy and I hadn’t even known I was pregnant. But, I was determined to heal and start trying again. I healed, we tried, and
I have a beautiful 9 year old to show for it.
When we decided to try for number 2, I was petrified. In September of 2009 I was pregnant. I was cautiously optimistic. On January 2, 2010, at 18 weeks pregnant, I lost the baby. There was no definitive reason why I lost the baby. I delivered the baby at home. I never knew if it was a boy or girl, but I did get to hold the baby. Again, I found myself wondering why my body allowed this to happen. I felt this baby kick. I was obviously pregnant. It amazed me how many other women I met had also experienced a second trimester loss.
There is a light at the end of this tunnel.
On January 2, 2011 I brought my amazing son home from the hospital. One year to the day after losing my second baby, I was bringing another one home. The perfect one. The one that drives me nuts at times but will have that something special. Always. He saved me.
When I went on to have a third, I was terrified every single day of my pregnancy. I knew my pattern and I wondered if I could stand another loss. Thankfully, I had nothing to worry this about time. She is not a rainbow baby, but I know how lucky I am to have her.
I am so blessed by my family. Only parenthood can hold such highs and lows.
Learn more about this series, a letter from the Breastfeeding World Team
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