A Story of Hope – A Stillbirth Story
“Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Savior, Jesus Christ.” Titus 2:13
~November 16, 2011~
Our lives changed forever that day. It started off like any other day. My husband, Nathan, left for work, and it was my day off, so I was having a relaxing morning at home. Right before noon, I realized that I hadn’t felt the baby move all morning. I thought it was odd, but I could have just missed it. I tried all of the “tricks” to get baby to move. Nothing. Beginning to panic, I push on my belly, expecting to feel little hands or feet push back. I feel them, but they aren’t pushing back. Now I know something is wrong. It was 12:30pm.
When I got to the hospital, the nurses hooked me up to a monitor to check for a heartbeat. Nothing. This whole time I was praying. Praying that the baby was really okay. I hadn’t given up yet. My doctor always had a hard time finding the heartbeat. After two different nurses tried, they brought in an ultrasound tech. Nathan got there as they started doing the ultrasound.
Still no one said anything, but I’d had an ultrasound done before. I knew what they looked like. There was no flutter showing the heartbeat. There was no movement at all. Our baby was gone.
It’s was one thing to know, but to hear the doctor say it out loud . . . I wanted to scream.
It was the worst moment of my life. I wanted them out. Why was it taking them so long to leave the room? They finally left and we were alone. We couldn’t hold it in any longer. We broke down and cried. Cried harder than we had ever cried. How could this be? Everything was fine just a couple of days ago. I was less than a week away from my due date. Everything was ready for us to bring home our little one. We were ready. We would never get the chance to bring our baby home, though. She was already with the Lord.
I have a hard time keeping everything that happened after that straight.
It all seems like a blur. We were in shock. All we could do was sit there, heartbroken and empty, and cry.
Because I was hardly dilated, the doctor administered a medicine to help speed it along. During that time, Nathan made the necessary phone calls to our parents and a few close friends in town. God surely did bless us with great friends. For the rest of the evening, we were not alone. They were a wonderful distraction during this awful waiting period. When there was still no change after 8 hours and my contractions barely painful we decided that I’d try to get some sleep and we’d start again in the morning. It was a long night, and neither of us got very much sleep.
~November 17, 2011~
I woke up at about 7:30am, and at 9:43am. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She was 6 pounds, 12.7 ounces and 19 1/2 inches long. Hope Ann. It was not the original name we picked out, but it fit. The Biblical definition of hope is “a strong and confident expectation”. I know that one day I will see my daughter again. She is waiting for me in Heaven.
Once the staff cleaned Hope, Nathan and I held her. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was beautiful. She had dark brown hair, my nose and her daddy’s chin. It was so hard to let her go. The hospital had a photographer there from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that took wonderful pictures of Hope, and we are so thankful to have them along with a few other keepsakes the hospital gave to us.
We left the hospital that afternoon lost and empty.
Our lives changed forever. What’s next? I know God has a purpose and a plan for us in all of this. Though I don’t know what it is, I pray that God will use this tragedy to bring glory to Him and that through this others might be saved. Will it bring Hope back? Will it take away the hurt I feel so deeply? No, it won’t. But if we can glorify God through this, Hope’s loss will not be for nothing.
Read more about Maegan’s Story at http://www.ourprecioushope.blogspot.com
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