A Note from the Editor: Last October 2016, Breastfeeding World supported families who experienced miscarriage, still birth, and Infant Loss.

Our goal- to “Break the Silence” and stigma surrounding their grief during

We are honored to feature mothers willing to commemorate their babies, gone too soon, by giving them a platform to share their experiences. So with that, we are so thankful to the Little Lionheart project for sharing their story of loss, determination, and coping with our Breastfeeding World Community. Please do not grieve alone.

My Journey Through Loss- The Little Lionheart Project

When my husband and I got engaged, only 3 months after we met – we knew we wanted to start a family as soon as possible. We could never have imagined how difficult, devastating and heartbreaking having children could be. We never knew there was a ‘club no one wants join’.

Our first, second and third pregnancies ended in an ectopic and two early miscarriages. Whilst devastating at the time, we knew that we had to keep trying.

We fell pregnant with fraternal twins in September 2012. When we made it past the 12 week ‘safe’ period, the milestone excited us beyond compare. Finally, it was our turn. And to have two babies – amazing! We planned, we painted, we shopped as any expecting parents would.

On the 20^th November, whilst at work, my water broke early (a condition known as Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes or PPROM). We lost our first little boy, Junior.

I went straight into hospital and was placed on rest. I waited for a cervical suture to keep our second baby baking away. However, as wait on the operating table 9 days later, my second water broke. Our second twin Alex was born too early.

Diagnosed with an ‘Incompetent Cervix’, I underwent surgery 3 months later to put in a permanent stitch around my cervix. The goal of this is to keep it closed during pregnancy. The stitch is generally considered 95% successful, so when we fell pregnant again in August 2013, we knew our ‘miracle stitch’ was finally going to bring us a baby home.

Still, I felt something ‘wasn’t right’, but dismissed the feeling, thinking I just had some nerves. We went to our morphology scan on the 5^th of December, I was 19 weeks pregnant. There, we realized that my cervix once again open, and my waters were ‘bulging’ through.

 Our nightmare was beginning again.

Again, I went straight from scan to hospital on strict bed rest, but that very night, I PPROM’d again. The contractions came, but then stopped. Doctors said to expect that I would be delivering our baby boy, Ashley, within 48 hours. But our little man had other ideas.

Even though Ashley’s leg became caught through the stitch into my cervix, combined with having zero amniotic fluid, our little man survived for 4 more weeks. We nicknamed him our ‘little lionheart’. He became our lion heart for his sheer determination to stay with his parents. Parents who loved him beyond measure, parents desperate for him to live.

However our little boy arrived after only 23 weeks and 1 day- too early. He lived for 23 minutes.

Despair does not even cover the feelings we had. We had lost 6 babies in 5 pregnancies. Our miracle stitch had not worked – we had lost our little lionheart. How could this have happened again?

After Ashley’s birth, we used a CuddleCot to spend time with him. Unfortunately the hospital had only one of these vital machines to share between the four families who lost babies the same day. We decided that we would fundraise to purchase a second one for our hospital. It provided the only time we had to parent Ashley – to take photos, hand and foot casts and make memories.

We gave ourselves six months to raise the $4000 needed; but through the love and support of our family and friends, we raised it in 3 weeks. Donating the CuddleCot in Ashley’s name was therapeutic in a way, and gave us a way to channel our grief.

We then established “Little LionHeart”

Little Lionheart is a charity project to support the pregnancy and infant loss community. We fundraise to purchase more Cuddle Cots for hospitals, and we supply ‘memory boxes’ to four hospitals to give bereaved parents so they don’t leave hospital with ‘empty arms’.

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So far we have fundraised $15,000 to purchase three Cuddle Cots, and about to fundraise for our 4^th; and provided well over 200 memory boxes to families. We are also passionate on ‘breaking the silence’ of pregnancy and infant loss. Losing our babies should not be a taboo subject, nor is it something to hide. I will not move on from or get over the loss of our babies. Their deaths makes my family achingly incomplete. We feel their absences every day.

We hope that through projects like ours, and many other similar ones in Australia, we can continue to provide support and understanding to our very special community.

Read more about grieving, coping, and surviving the death of your baby from Dr. Deborah Davis:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201610/9-compassionate-tips-surviving-the-death-your-baby

Sources of bereaved parent support:

http://nationalshare.org/

https://pailnetwork.ca/

http://sands.org.nz/

http://www.sands.org.au/

https://www.uk-sands.org/

Experience the healing that comes from telling your story—or reading the stories of others:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2016

https://grievingdads.com/tell-your-story/

Learn more about this series, a letter from the Breastfeeding World Team

Join us in Breaking The Silence

[col1]Robyn’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Becca’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Megan’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Anika’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Janice’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Randi’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Olivia’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Tasha’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Maegan’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Liz’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Mandi’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Jacinta’s Story[/col3]

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

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admin

A photography project founded in late 2014 by Alexia Garcia, photographer a Alegares Photography. Breastfeeding World aims to promote breastfeeding and encourage new moms to nurse their babies through the art of photography and story telling.

The post My Journey Through Loss- Little LionHeart appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

I got pregnant in March, not long after my wedding. Later, when I went to the doctor, although I had a pre-existing health condition, he told me not to worry. He told me everything was going along well. I live on an island, so at the time, our care was limited.

As far as I knew, everything was going fine.

I went to the doctor for a routine check up, plus to find out the baby’s gender. During the  ultrasound, the doctor told me that my child was on the big side. He told us that I needed to go off-island to the big city, to get a second opinion.

On August 3rd, with my mother and my husband in tow, we traveled for our ultrasound. I knew there was no heartbeat. The doctors tried everything from buzzing my stomach to turning me from side to side. But my child had passed away. I heard myself cry.

It was a cry that no mother should have to cry.

They started asking me all these questions: Why wasn’t I on medication? What were my treatment protocols? My head was spinning.

They didn’t have room for me deliver her that day. So, I went home, back to the Island. I carried her for three more days. During those three days, in my head, I thought they were wrong.

I swore that I could feel her, I swore that I could feel movement.

But what I was feeling, was small uterine contractions. That Sunday, I went to the big city hospital again. I was put in the Maternity Ward. I could hear so many babies crying.

Monday, my daughter was born still.

I was so out of it. It was like a movie. I knew she was a girl before they even told me. In her short time on Earth, in my belly, she brought me the most incredible Joy. So, I named her Joya. They asked me if I wanted to take her home. I was so confused. I said no. They put her cremated remains in the garden of the hospital.

I came back home to this emptiness, it was horrific. So many of my so-called friends stayed away from me. My family didn’t know what to say, so they said: “you can try again”. Even the doctor that treated me said that I could just, try again: “It was just a fetus”.

That was 20 days after my daughter was born still. My doctor hadn’t even contacted me to see if I was ok. I remember yelling, saying she was my child. I was more than halfway to my due date.

She was a person.

Eventually, a girlfriend of mine got me help. I wouldn’t have made it through without the help of a local nurse. She listened to me cry.

I went for my follow-up in the big city. They told me that my medical care was subpar, that I should consult a lawyer. I found out that the OBGYN that was treating me, was not a board-certified physician. I ended up suing and I won.

It took me 7 years to get what I wanted. I wanted him not to practice anymore.

15 years ago, when this happened, we just didn’t talk about it. I suffered for years. There were bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts and an emptiness that nothing could fill. I would look at mother’s that I thought were inept, I wanted their babies. I felt they didn’t deserve them. My marriage fell apart. My husband had a baby with someone that I thought was a close friend. It was such a rough patch.

One day, I met a man by sheer coincidence. Three years later, we got married and we became pregnant. I was sad to find out it was a girl, I was sure that she was going to die before I even had the chance to meet her. When she was born, I wouldn’t hold her until many doctors had checked on her, I needed to make sure that she was okay.

I lived in constant fear that she was going to die.

I felt guilty for having another child after my daughter Joya. To me, It was like I was dishonouring her by moving on. With counseling and medication, I got through that.

Now, I have a daughter, a son and a brand new baby boy. They are all healthy. I still mourn Joya, not everyday but often. The experience I went through helps me to help others. I am no longer silent.

It hurts a lot, it will hurt forever.

Sometimes I have dreams of what she might look like, what she might be like. She was due on Christmas day, so that’s always a bittersweet day for me. My husband honors her memory, even though she wasn’t his child. Our children know about their sister in heaven and talk to her quite frequently.

I focus on the truth that, though her life was so short. It was not in vain, she saved other babies from her same demise.

Because I live in a small community, I see the doctor every once in awhile. I say hello, I make him talk to me. I make him look at my other children and say hello to them. Still, I have a piece of her baby blanket that I was making for her. It is packed away safely. But, sometimes I pull it out and I have a good cry. Time does make it easier, the grief is like an ocean. It comes in waves. I have learned to say it’s okay,  not to be okay. I forgave the doctor a long time ago. The forgiveness is for me, not for him.

I had a daughter on August 6th, her name was Joya. My daughter would be 15 years old. I believe she would have been amazing.

I miss her, I love her and as long as I’m living, my baby she will be.

Olivia Butler

Learn more about this series, a letter from the Breastfeeding World Team

Join us in Breaking The Silence 

[col1]Robyn’s Story [/col1]

[col2]Becca’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Megan’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Anika’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Janice’s story[/col2]

[col3]Randi’s Story[/col3]

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

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Samantha Sykula

Born and raised in NY, I studied speech and language pathology at NYU. I am a stay at home mom to two beautiful children, Richard and Charlotte and wife to my wonderful husband, Rich. I have always had a deep love for learning, which has grown further since becoming a mother, I am always looking for new ways to enrich our lives. Becoming a mother changed my life, I learned compassion, caring and most importantly, true love. I hope to share the experiences of my breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, crocheting, full of love, life.

The post “Joya Was My Child”- How a small town doctor’s illegal practices ended in her still birth appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

Wendy & Killian

One of life’s most painful losses it that of a child.

Miscarriage, still birth and infant loss cause a pain that is devastating. We feel a strong and natural love for our child. To lose your little one to death before they have had a chance at life is unfair, cruel even. We are left to wonder what might have been. A pair of empty arms can seem emptier than ever before. Faced with such a painful experience, we urge you to remember that it is normal, necessary and healthy to grieve.

Becca remembers her son on his due date.

You should not have to do it alone.

No more should you hear that “it is natural” or “for the best”, for it is neither when you feel such emptiness. Your loss is real, realer than most can ever understand. It is time that we remove this taboo. We know that you will never move on, and as you step forward through this journey, your baby travels with you. It is time that we all remember your baby as you do because THAT is what is truly natural.

For the remainder of the month, we will be sharing the raw stories of miscarriage, still birth and infant loss. We are honored to give voice to our children, gone far too soon. We stand with you and we would like to let other families know that they are not alone. For you, all of our mothers who had to say goodbye before they said hello,

we break the silence.

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

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Samantha Sykula

Born and raised in NY, I studied speech and language pathology at NYU. I am a stay at home mom to two beautiful children, Richard and Charlotte and wife to my wonderful husband, Rich. I have always had a deep love for learning, which has grown further since becoming a mother, I am always looking for new ways to enrich our lives. Becoming a mother changed my life, I learned compassion, caring and most importantly, true love. I hope to share the experiences of my breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, crocheting, full of love, life.

The post Breaking The Silence Series: Miscarriage, Still Birth & Infant Loss appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

Honoring Infant Loss through Breast Milk Donation

The team at Breastfeeding World met Wendy Cruz-Chan through our 2016 NYC Big Latch On. In a sea of breastfeeding mothers, Wendy sat with her pump, proudly expressing her breast milk. Wendy’s milk would not be used to nourish her son. It went to one of several families she pumped for. Her donation was one from her heart. Due to a Haemophilus influenzae infection, her son Killian was born still born at just 19 weeks gestation.

Through her grief, we was able to honor her son by pumping and donating milk to babies in need. Not only is she able to pump her liquid love to provide sustenance for other babies, she is also raising money to provide Cuddle Cots to the NYC Methodist Hospital she gave birth in, as well as other hospitals in NYC. (To Find out more about her efforts and to donate to her cause, please click the link here)

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Each month, an estimated one million pregnancies end in miscarraige, stillbirth, or the death of a newborn child (source). Breastfeeding World is extremely proud to be able to share Wendy’s story. We are focusing this month on lifting the stigma of pregnancy and infant loss. Too many families grieve in silence. Stories like Wendy’s brave journey can hopefully help other families cope and show support to others. You are not alone. When President Ronald Regan established October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, he stated,

When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.

Wendy Cruz-Chan was able to Honor the death of her stillborn son through donating breast milk to infants in need

My Lactation Journey – Wendy Cruz-Chan

When I had my first child, Ariya, I breastfed everywhere. In church, parks, trains, restaurants, airplanes- anywhere in public, whenever Ariya was hungry, using a nursing cover. I did not care what others think as I breastfeed me child. My husband was very supportive. I happily breastfeed Ariya until she was 2 years old.

5 years later, I discovered I was pregnant again, and this time with a boy. Just a few days away from hitting my 5 months into my pregnancy, on July 3^rd, 2016, I began experiencing flu-like symptoms . The next day, on July 4^th, 2016, my fever spiked over 101 degrees. I had body aches, heart racing, light bleeding and feeling my uterus contracting. Worried and in pain, my husband John and I headed to the hospital that late evening.

Birthing Killian

Upon arriving to the hospital, they immediately checked me in and examined me. The staff discovered I was in labor, dilated at close to 2 cm.  My uterus had become infected, and so did the baby. Doctors told us the worst news, we had to induce my labor to birth my son sleeping to save my uterus, and my life. The infection Chorioamnionitis, had already begin to spread throughout my body. I screamed and cried and begged them to save my baby, but he was too undeveloped to survive in the outside world. That’s when I decided to call for my Doula friend, Kerri for support. I knew John and I were not able to go through this without a doula’s support.

When Kerri arrived, she induced me with Cytotec internally. The contractions came at me like a bullet train. I rip off my hospital grown and got on my hands and knees as I try to survive through each powerful contractions. In 10 mins, my water broke, stained. Kerri was helping me breathe and giving words of support I needed to hear. I saw John looking anxious and helpless while I was in so much pain. The contractions were not like normal contractions. This was like no pain I have never experienced before. It felt like being stabbed with a hot poking stick into my uterus. I screamed for epidural, but even after it I received it, the drug did not work fast enough. I felt the urge to push, and out came my baby boy, Killian, sleeping.

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Grieving my Son

I was in shock when I saw him. Killian’s body was long and defined, his eyes were still sealed shut. He looked like he went through a battle. John lost it as he screamed and cried at the sight of Killian. Kerri tried to calm him down and I was still in stock. When the nurse cut the cord and took him away and delivered my placenta by force. I became very ill. The doctors were very aggressive with antibiotics to help me get better as my fever went over 103.5 degree. My blood pressure was very low and my heart was racing very fast. Once I had more strength, John and I spent time with Killian. We held him, took pictures of him, cried over him, sang to him, pleading for forgiveness that my body could not protect him.

We left the hospital 3 days later, and I fell into a deep depression. I cried and mourned for my son, and for the pain I experienced to birth him. My breasts became engorged, leaking breast milk for Killian. Realizing how full my breasts were of milk for Killian, I decided that I should pump for  other babies, and share my story on social media.

I will not be silent. I want heard, and to feel that I’m not alone in this journey. I want to honor Killian by pumping my milk and donating to babies in need of breast milk. I want to bring awareness to my stillbirth- and to stillbirths in general. With my goals in mind, I attended “The Big Latch On” in NYC Time Square on August 6^th, 2016. Among the crowd of nursing moms with their babies, I sat, the only one pumping- and proud of it.

Healing through Donating Breast Milk

I shared our story on social media. I received so much support through sharing my story. So many mothers read about our journey. All over social media, people expressed their condolences to me,  supporting me for pumping and donating.  “Breastfeeding World” heard about my story. They were able to gift me a new electric portable breast pump,  in order to continue and support the work that I do for other babies. The kindness and generosity I felt overwhelmed me. I know I am not alone.

Even though my pregnancy failed, I know I can bring healing to other babies with my breast milk. It didn’t matter to me that I got sore nipples, by pumping 8-9 times a day every 3 hours. It was giving me a purpose, a mission to spread awareness of miscarriages/stillbirths and for people to remember Killian’s name. My breast milk became his legacy, and with that I have expressed and donated over 560 ounces of my breast milk to 3 different babies, in one month.

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I’m doing this for the love I have for my son, Killian. For all the babies that are in need of breast milk to thrive. I am doing this for women and their families who have lost their babes and are too afraid to speak up, or talk about it. To our society that pregnancy loss is not a taboo and it does happen often. And finally to normalize breastfeeding, and not shaming it.

Lauren Lewis

Lauren Lewis is no stranger to childcare development, having spent over 10 years as a nanny or family childcare provider. She’s the wife of a travel geek, mother of two vivacious children, and has an amazing talent for trailing lost things behind her a la Hansel and Gretel. Her passion for lifting up women and advocating for children pours out in her work as a Central Indiana Event Coordinator, Writer, and Social Media Relations Director for Breastfeeding World. Her life is full of busy, crazy and LOUD. It is full of love and hope, ups and downs. And coffee, always lots of coffee- but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

www.raisinglaurenslittle.wordpress.com

The post Pumping Through Grief; Honoring Infant Loss Through Breast Milk Donation appeared first on Breastfeeding World.