A Note from the Editor: Last October 2016, Breastfeeding World supported families who experienced miscarriage, still birth, and Infant Loss.

Our goal- to “Break the Silence” and stigma surrounding their grief during

We are honored to feature mothers willing to commemorate their babies, gone too soon, by giving them a platform to share their experiences. So with that, we are so thankful to the Little Lionheart project for sharing their story of loss, determination, and coping with our Breastfeeding World Community. Please do not grieve alone.

My Journey Through Loss- The Little Lionheart Project

When my husband and I got engaged, only 3 months after we met – we knew we wanted to start a family as soon as possible. We could never have imagined how difficult, devastating and heartbreaking having children could be. We never knew there was a ‘club no one wants join’.

Our first, second and third pregnancies ended in an ectopic and two early miscarriages. Whilst devastating at the time, we knew that we had to keep trying.

We fell pregnant with fraternal twins in September 2012. When we made it past the 12 week ‘safe’ period, the milestone excited us beyond compare. Finally, it was our turn. And to have two babies – amazing! We planned, we painted, we shopped as any expecting parents would.

On the 20^th November, whilst at work, my water broke early (a condition known as Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes or PPROM). We lost our first little boy, Junior.

I went straight into hospital and was placed on rest. I waited for a cervical suture to keep our second baby baking away. However, as wait on the operating table 9 days later, my second water broke. Our second twin Alex was born too early.

Diagnosed with an ‘Incompetent Cervix’, I underwent surgery 3 months later to put in a permanent stitch around my cervix. The goal of this is to keep it closed during pregnancy. The stitch is generally considered 95% successful, so when we fell pregnant again in August 2013, we knew our ‘miracle stitch’ was finally going to bring us a baby home.

Still, I felt something ‘wasn’t right’, but dismissed the feeling, thinking I just had some nerves. We went to our morphology scan on the 5^th of December, I was 19 weeks pregnant. There, we realized that my cervix once again open, and my waters were ‘bulging’ through.

 Our nightmare was beginning again.

Again, I went straight from scan to hospital on strict bed rest, but that very night, I PPROM’d again. The contractions came, but then stopped. Doctors said to expect that I would be delivering our baby boy, Ashley, within 48 hours. But our little man had other ideas.

Even though Ashley’s leg became caught through the stitch into my cervix, combined with having zero amniotic fluid, our little man survived for 4 more weeks. We nicknamed him our ‘little lionheart’. He became our lion heart for his sheer determination to stay with his parents. Parents who loved him beyond measure, parents desperate for him to live.

However our little boy arrived after only 23 weeks and 1 day- too early. He lived for 23 minutes.

Despair does not even cover the feelings we had. We had lost 6 babies in 5 pregnancies. Our miracle stitch had not worked – we had lost our little lionheart. How could this have happened again?

After Ashley’s birth, we used a CuddleCot to spend time with him. Unfortunately the hospital had only one of these vital machines to share between the four families who lost babies the same day. We decided that we would fundraise to purchase a second one for our hospital. It provided the only time we had to parent Ashley – to take photos, hand and foot casts and make memories.

We gave ourselves six months to raise the $4000 needed; but through the love and support of our family and friends, we raised it in 3 weeks. Donating the CuddleCot in Ashley’s name was therapeutic in a way, and gave us a way to channel our grief.

We then established “Little LionHeart”

Little Lionheart is a charity project to support the pregnancy and infant loss community. We fundraise to purchase more Cuddle Cots for hospitals, and we supply ‘memory boxes’ to four hospitals to give bereaved parents so they don’t leave hospital with ‘empty arms’.

[left][/left]

[right][/right]

So far we have fundraised $15,000 to purchase three Cuddle Cots, and about to fundraise for our 4^th; and provided well over 200 memory boxes to families. We are also passionate on ‘breaking the silence’ of pregnancy and infant loss. Losing our babies should not be a taboo subject, nor is it something to hide. I will not move on from or get over the loss of our babies. Their deaths makes my family achingly incomplete. We feel their absences every day.

We hope that through projects like ours, and many other similar ones in Australia, we can continue to provide support and understanding to our very special community.

Read more about grieving, coping, and surviving the death of your baby from Dr. Deborah Davis:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201610/9-compassionate-tips-surviving-the-death-your-baby

Sources of bereaved parent support:

http://nationalshare.org/

https://pailnetwork.ca/

http://sands.org.nz/

http://www.sands.org.au/

https://www.uk-sands.org/

Experience the healing that comes from telling your story—or reading the stories of others:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2016

https://grievingdads.com/tell-your-story/

Learn more about this series, a letter from the Breastfeeding World Team

Join us in Breaking The Silence

[col1]Robyn’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Becca’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Megan’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Anika’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Janice’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Randi’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Olivia’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Tasha’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Maegan’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Liz’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Mandi’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Jacinta’s Story[/col3]

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

–

[col1][/col1]

[col2][/col2]

[col3][/col3]

admin

A photography project founded in late 2014 by Alexia Garcia, photographer a Alegares Photography. Breastfeeding World aims to promote breastfeeding and encourage new moms to nurse their babies through the art of photography and story telling.

The post My Journey Through Loss- Little LionHeart appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

Understanding the layers of loss and challenges of mourning can help you embrace the depth of your grief.

When a baby dies, parents can experience a grief so profound, they wonder how they can survive it. If you’ve experienced the death of a baby, it’s normal to worry about your sanity. It can help you to acknowledge the many layers of loss and special challenges that can affect the course of your mourning. Layers which can make a baby’s death so very difficult to endure. Understanding why this is so hard can affirm your baby’s importance and validate the depth of your grief.

You may experience some or all of the following losses and challenges.

Death is taboo in our society

Rather than being seen as an inevitable and natural part of the cycle of life, death has become something we consider scary and distasteful—even disgusting—and best avoided. As a result, most people feel uncomfortable with death and dying. They don’t want to think about it, much less talk about it. When a baby dies, it is especially unthinkable and unspeakable. Unfortunately, this leaves bereaved parents alone and adrift, which only adds to their suffering.

A baby’s death violates expectations

Modern medicine and standards of living have greatly improved the prospects of having a healthy pregnancy and giving birth to healthy baby. As such, expectant parents are not likely to seriously consider the possibility that their baby may die, particularly after the first trimester of pregnancy. This assumption accompanies the belief that by “doing all the right things,” guarantees a healthy baby.So when a baby dies, the parents’ expectations are cruelly violated.

A baby’s death is a traumatic bereavement

Trauma happens when you experience an emotionally painful event over which you have no control, and it leaves a lasting imprint on your brain—and your life. A large part of what makes a traumatic experience is that everything is okay. But then suddenly, and unexpectedly, it’s not. So when your baby dies, the road of recovery is long, winding, and hard.

The weight of responsibility

Particularly as the mother, you may wonder about what you did or did not do that might have contributed to your baby’s plight. As the father or the mother’s partner, you may wonder what you could’ve done better to protect your baby or ward off this tragedy. All of these normal feelings originate from the natural and biological urge to protect your children. Particularly if you hold tight to the common belief that you have control over what happens to you, these feelings of responsibility can contribute to painful feelings of guilt.

Feelings of helplessness

It is normal for the mother to feel betrayed by her body’s inability to create or sustain a healthy baby or an uncomplicated birth. Your baby’s death can also undermine a sense of being masterful and able to fix anything or solve any problem. Many fathers, in particular, feel this keenly. Feelings of helplessness also go against the grain of an accomplishment-based life, and may contribute to a sense of failure or loss of control.

A loss of innocence and faith

When your baby dies, it makes you realize that bad things can happen to good people. You don’t have total control over your destiny, and you cannot shield your children from death. For many parents, a baby’s death triggers a crisis of religious faith or they may struggle with the senselessness of it all. You may also feel anxious or angry as you face your new knowledge that you are vulnerable to tragedy.

A loss of identity as a parent

When you found out you were pregnant, your identity as a parent to this baby began to form. When this baby dies, you have to figure out what it means to be a parent to a child who is no longer with you. Particularly if you don’t have any other surviving children, you may question whether you’re still a mother, or still a father.

Feeling uncertain and unsure of yourself

Before your baby died, you may have seen yourself as emotionally sound, responsible, in charge, and invincible. Now you must develop a new identity. Allow yourself to feel distressed, confused, unmotivated, and vulnerable. You may also have to redefine what it means to be a woman or a man—or an adult. Your role as a friend and family member may change too, as you may find it impossible to deal with the seemingly endless stream of new babies in your social circles. And if you quit your job, because you anticipated staying home with your baby, you may feel uncertain of your financial role, your career, or what to do about it. Finally, you may wonder about “trying again”. You may feel uncertain about whether or when to have another baby.

Feelings of isolation

You may feel abandoned by friends and family members who don’t understand your grief or your need for support. People may avoid the topic as they don’t want to upset you by asking about your baby or how you’re really doing. Some may feel so uncomfortable or unsure about how to behave that they simply avoid you. Even your midwife, doctor, or nurses may feel awkward and uncertain about how to broach the topic of your baby’s death or how to support you in your grief. As a result, you may feel like you’re the only one who remembers or cares about your little baby.

Not enough time spent with your baby

When the length of time spent with the infant is brief, coping with a baby’s death becomes particularly difficult. When you never or barely get to know your baby after birth, you may feel cheated. Cheated of the chance to learn about this child’s special qualities, or fully express your love and devotion. If you were blocked from spending sufficient time with your baby before death or before relinquishing the body, these are other losses to bear.

A lack of memories and mementos

Your baby’s brief life also means you had few opportunities to gather memories and mementos, which are important to the bereaved. When you have few memories or mementos, you may find it challenging to validate your baby’s existence, acknowledge your baby’s importance, honor your bond, and experience a more gradual goodbye. And when the “hello-goodbye” is so abrupt, this can add to your trauma and complicate your grief.

A lack of mourning rituals

Many parents are not sufficiently encouraged to engage in rituals of mourning. Spending time with the body, arranging a funeral, attending the burial, making formal public announcements of the death, and recognizing a mourning period—all of these rituals are designed to support the bereaved. Traditional rituals- taking the body home for many days, having a home funeral, and green burial are becoming more prevalent, but these rituals take time and run deep. This is at odds with fast-paced, skate-on-the-surface, modern societies. As such, these rituals are often denied, overlooked, or minimized- especially when a baby dies.

A loss of a part of your future

Not only do you grieve for your baby, you also grieve for your lost visions of parenthood. The moments you had looked forward to—parental leave, family gatherings, and holidays—can seem worthless or trivial without your baby. If you preferred to have all your children by, say, age thirty-five, or spaced a certain number of years apart, the death of your baby might mean that your family isn’t what you imagined. If you anticipated the birth of twins, triplets, or more, you will grieve for the lost chance to raise multiple babies together. And your baby’s death represents a missing branch of the family tree as you consider the prospective generations that might have been. All of these deficits in your future make it particularly painful to get on with your life. In fact, your baby’s death puts you on a different path.

 You can grieve and survive the death of your baby

As you identify and affirm your layers of loss, challenges, and trauma, please know- your baby’s death is a huge deal. You may feel deeply affected. Also, while your layers are unique to you, you share much common ground with other bereaved parents. You are not alone. And in spite of all these barriers and difficulties, you can grieve and survive the death of your baby. Just as other parents grieved before you. Indeed, you may find it immensely comforting to read about the experiences of other bereaved parents—or seek out their company, which can serve as a lifeline to you.

Read more about grieving, coping, and surviving the death of your baby:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201610/9-compassionate-tips-surviving-the-death-your-baby

Sources of bereaved parent support:

http://nationalshare.org/

https://pailnetwork.ca/

http://sands.org.nz/

http://www.sands.org.au/

https://www.uk-sands.org/

Experience the healing that comes from telling your story—or reading the stories of others:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2016

https://grievingdads.com/tell-your-story/

Deborah L. Davis, PhD is a developmental psychologist and writer who has authored several books that support parents who’ve experienced the death of a baby. She is most well known for Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby (the much-awaited Third Edition comes out November 1) and A Gift of Time (with Amy Kuebelbeck), which supports parents who seek perinatal hospice after receiving a life-limiting prenatal diagnosis for their baby. Since 2011, she’s been blogging for Psychology Today, where she writes about resilience, including coping with perinatal bereavement. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live

admin

A photography project founded in late 2014 by Alexia Garcia, photographer a Alegares Photography. Breastfeeding World aims to promote breastfeeding and encourage new moms to nurse their babies through the art of photography and story telling.

The post When a Baby Dies: Why is this so hard? by Deborah Davis, PHD appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

The Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Alliance has released a statement on Lactation after Perinatal Loss. According the website, PLIDA is “An alliance of professional groups,, institutions, and individuals who provide care and support to families who experience perinatal loss.” Their goal is to be a source of support for professional caregivers. The recent statement on lactation after perinatal loss is important to lending support to bereaved families.

Mothers, when they are denied the ability to offer their child breast-milk, feel an intense grief

PLIDA quotes several mothers in regards to their grief in not being able to feed their baby.

• The things that made me sad were really just the realities of losing a baby. Like, I couldn’t hold her, I couldn’t, I couldn’t nurse her… (Lathrop, 2010b)
• But when your baby dies… there’s not much you’re going to do for your baby. You’re not going to feed your baby… (Lathrop, 2010a, p. 141)
• I had lost the baby and I remember when my milk came in, that being a really bittersweet moment. Like it was, on the one hand it was sad, because, you know I had all this milk and I couldn’t feed this baby… (Limbo & Lathrop, 2014, p. 53).
• I think a big part of a mother’s experience is being able to feed your child. You know, not being able to do that was odd. (Lathrop, 2010b)
•  I nursed my first child. And so I— I kind of feel like that’s just what you do. You know, that’s kind of a mother, maternal thing that happens: when you have a baby, you are nursing. And I was— I kind of grieved about that, before I even had the baby. (Lathrop, 2010b)
• The interviewer reminded one mother that she had expressed a few drops of breast milk and placed them on her dead baby’s lips, a symbolic act of caregiving. (Kobler, Limbo, & Kavanaugh, 2007; Limbo & Lathrop, 2014, p. 53).

Grief Caregivers Yield Heavy Influences

PLIDA remains firm that caregivers need to be aware of the influence they yield when supporting a bereaved family. Therefore they recommend any caregiving staff- nurses, doctors, clergy, midwives, doulas, funeral directors, etc,- be well versed in self-care education and coping skills. The Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Association encourages these bereavement counselors to inform the mother of the chances of lactogenesis. Milk tends to “come in” at about 30-40 hours after the loss or birth of their baby.

Rituals and parenting opportunities related to breastfeeding—whether they be cultural, religious, or familial— can provide some form of reconciliation to the loss being experienced by the mother and her family.

Next, the PLIDA statement on Lactation after Perinatal Loss is careful to emphasize to caregivers that the “most important aspect is to listen to her (the mother’s)  wishes, desires, and hopes, and to advocate for these to the extent possible in your care setting.” Particularly, this is important in regards to the mother’s desire for skin to skin, offering a breast to her dying baby, or to place a few drops of colostrum to an already passed infants lips, or whatever choices she makes about her milk.

Options for Bereaved Mother’s Milk

Fortunately, the Lactation after Loss Statement provides several options for a mother choosing to commemorate her loss via her breastmilk. Some of these options include:

• Taking a Keepsake of her Breastmilk. Some mothers may later choose to use this sample to create jewelry from it, such as Beyond the Willow Tree does.
• Pump and Donate her milk to a human milk donation bank
• Pump to provide milk to other infants in need, which also can help a mother to find some meaning in experiencing her loss.

PLIDA Recommended Lactation Support:

Human Milk Banking Association of North America (to locate an appropriate milk bank for donations): https://www.hmbana.org
International Lactation Consultant Association (professional organization of International Board Certified Lactation Consultants who can provide assistance to mothers): http://www.ilca.org
La Leche League International (mother-to-mother support, encouragement, information, and education about breastfeeding): http://www.llli.org

[col1]Robyn’s Story [/col1]

[col2]Becca’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Megan’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Anika’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Janice’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Randi’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Olivia’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Tasha’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Liz’s Story[/col3]

Lauren Lewis

Lauren Lewis is no stranger to childcare development, having spent over 10 years as a nanny or family childcare provider. She’s the wife of a travel geek, mother of two vivacious children, and has an amazing talent for trailing lost things behind her a la Hansel and Gretel. Her passion for lifting up women and advocating for children pours out in her work as a Central Indiana Event Coordinator, Writer, and Social Media Relations Director for Breastfeeding World. Her life is full of busy, crazy and LOUD. It is full of love and hope, ups and downs. And coffee, always lots of coffee- but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

www.raisinglaurenslittle.wordpress.com

The post PLIDA Statement: Lactation After Perinatal Loss appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

It would take a lifetime because your baby deserved a lifetime. However, I will try to let you in as much as I can. You have to prepare yourself to let those feelings come back. It is such excruciating pain that you can’t let yourself feel them all the time, even if everything you do revolves around what happened.

[left][/left]

[right][/right]

I lost my sweet, naïve innocence on the day they told me there was no heartbeat. A part of me died that I will never get back. I had to deliver my son at 24 weeks knowing that I would not hear that sweet little cry. How do you describe that pain? You don’t.

It’s impossible to describe the pain of a real birth to a “still” baby

How do you explain the feeling of your body preparing for a child that isn’t here? Or of the longing you feel in your arms to hold a baby in the days after. You cannot prepare for missing the bump that you held every night- feeling the sweet movements of the being you love the most.

In the midst of this, how can you describe watching your families broken hearts? Or seeing your significant other in the same amount of pain, but you can do nothing to help. Nothing prepares you for the feeling you get when people who pretend you never had a baby- because he died. But mostly, nothing tells you about  the strength it takes to look at everyone’s happy lives. It sucks to say but the pictures of pregnancy announcements, babies being born and moms out and about with their children make you cringe with pain. Don’t get me wrong you are happy for them. It’s a reminder  exactly of the destroying, gut wrenching, suffocating, sickening pain you feel.

Now you’re probably wondering how I am sitting here writing this little story to you. Honestly, I am surprised myself because some days I don’t know how to go on. On other days I do, though, and I’ll let you in on that little secret.

Ready for it……LOVE!

The outpouring of love and support I got was overwhelmingly wonderful. Just knowing how loved my son was, made the days a little easier. I eventually started a support group. The moment everything started I began reaching out for help.  I knew I needed to talk about what I was going through or I would explode. My support group is MWA (Mama’s With Angels), and we meet every Tuesday. Some of the strongest women I know, I have met through this group, my amazing new friends.

I also pumped and donated breast milk to an adoptive family. I am not the type of person to sit around and not give back when I can. The only other piece of advice is to take each day one at a time.  I mention my son every day. I talk so much about what happened in hopes that I can help other moms get up off the steps of Hades.

Processing My Feelings

The first few days I thought there could be nothing worse than all the different emotions and physical pain that followed.

It felt like someone electrocuted my brain and told me to keep going through life normally. Eventually I became numb to the pain and went through life in a fog. I was in shock and didn’t know it.

Then one day I wrote out the most detailed, 10 page “story” of what happened to my son. That suffocating feeling came back. I released the Kraken, and it scared me. Terrified of these feelings, I thought, “there is no way I can come back from this.”

Then I realized you don’t come back, you write a different story.

So every day I let myself feel how I need to feel. Eventually I stopped being scared. I started embracing my new life- even in my unbelievable pain. I want to tell you that the grief gets easier, but it doesn’t.  Perhaps it never will. You just start to appreciate, enjoy and love everything a bit more.

You are Not Alone

My due date just passed. In memorial,  I went to make a bear the same weight as my son was. I cried when they told me to make a wish and put the heart in. How cruel, that I had a bear to hold instead of my son? But I thanked him, for showing me a love that I never knew before. I want you to know that you are not alone. Its okay to let out your emotions- to speak on the loss of your sweet baby. They are real, you are real, and the LOVE is real.

RIP Robert “Huey” Houston III 6/22/16

Learn more about this series, a letter from the Breastfeeding World Team

Join us in Breaking The Silence

[col1]Robyn’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Megan’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Anika’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Janice’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Randi’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Olivia’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Tasha’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Maegan’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Liz’s Story[/col3]

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

–

[col1][/col1]

[col2][/col2]

[col3][/col3]

Lauren Lewis

Lauren Lewis is no stranger to childcare development, having spent over 10 years as a nanny or family childcare provider. She’s the wife of a travel geek, mother of two vivacious children, and has an amazing talent for trailing lost things behind her a la Hansel and Gretel. Her passion for lifting up women and advocating for children pours out in her work as a Central Indiana Event Coordinator, Writer, and Social Media Relations Director for Breastfeeding World. Her life is full of busy, crazy and LOUD. It is full of love and hope, ups and downs. And coffee, always lots of coffee- but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

www.raisinglaurenslittle.wordpress.com

The post How I Coped with the Pain of StillBirth- Becca Houston’s Story appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

Honoring Infant Loss through Breast Milk Donation

The team at Breastfeeding World met Wendy Cruz-Chan through our 2016 NYC Big Latch On. In a sea of breastfeeding mothers, Wendy sat with her pump, proudly expressing her breast milk. Wendy’s milk would not be used to nourish her son. It went to one of several families she pumped for. Her donation was one from her heart. Due to a Haemophilus influenzae infection, her son Killian was born still born at just 19 weeks gestation.

Through her grief, we was able to honor her son by pumping and donating milk to babies in need. Not only is she able to pump her liquid love to provide sustenance for other babies, she is also raising money to provide Cuddle Cots to the NYC Methodist Hospital she gave birth in, as well as other hospitals in NYC. (To Find out more about her efforts and to donate to her cause, please click the link here)

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Each month, an estimated one million pregnancies end in miscarraige, stillbirth, or the death of a newborn child (source). Breastfeeding World is extremely proud to be able to share Wendy’s story. We are focusing this month on lifting the stigma of pregnancy and infant loss. Too many families grieve in silence. Stories like Wendy’s brave journey can hopefully help other families cope and show support to others. You are not alone. When President Ronald Regan established October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, he stated,

When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.

Wendy Cruz-Chan was able to Honor the death of her stillborn son through donating breast milk to infants in need

My Lactation Journey – Wendy Cruz-Chan

When I had my first child, Ariya, I breastfed everywhere. In church, parks, trains, restaurants, airplanes- anywhere in public, whenever Ariya was hungry, using a nursing cover. I did not care what others think as I breastfeed me child. My husband was very supportive. I happily breastfeed Ariya until she was 2 years old.

5 years later, I discovered I was pregnant again, and this time with a boy. Just a few days away from hitting my 5 months into my pregnancy, on July 3^rd, 2016, I began experiencing flu-like symptoms . The next day, on July 4^th, 2016, my fever spiked over 101 degrees. I had body aches, heart racing, light bleeding and feeling my uterus contracting. Worried and in pain, my husband John and I headed to the hospital that late evening.

Birthing Killian

Upon arriving to the hospital, they immediately checked me in and examined me. The staff discovered I was in labor, dilated at close to 2 cm.  My uterus had become infected, and so did the baby. Doctors told us the worst news, we had to induce my labor to birth my son sleeping to save my uterus, and my life. The infection Chorioamnionitis, had already begin to spread throughout my body. I screamed and cried and begged them to save my baby, but he was too undeveloped to survive in the outside world. That’s when I decided to call for my Doula friend, Kerri for support. I knew John and I were not able to go through this without a doula’s support.

When Kerri arrived, she induced me with Cytotec internally. The contractions came at me like a bullet train. I rip off my hospital grown and got on my hands and knees as I try to survive through each powerful contractions. In 10 mins, my water broke, stained. Kerri was helping me breathe and giving words of support I needed to hear. I saw John looking anxious and helpless while I was in so much pain. The contractions were not like normal contractions. This was like no pain I have never experienced before. It felt like being stabbed with a hot poking stick into my uterus. I screamed for epidural, but even after it I received it, the drug did not work fast enough. I felt the urge to push, and out came my baby boy, Killian, sleeping.

[col1][/col1]

[col2][/col2]

[col3][/col3]

Grieving my Son

I was in shock when I saw him. Killian’s body was long and defined, his eyes were still sealed shut. He looked like he went through a battle. John lost it as he screamed and cried at the sight of Killian. Kerri tried to calm him down and I was still in stock. When the nurse cut the cord and took him away and delivered my placenta by force. I became very ill. The doctors were very aggressive with antibiotics to help me get better as my fever went over 103.5 degree. My blood pressure was very low and my heart was racing very fast. Once I had more strength, John and I spent time with Killian. We held him, took pictures of him, cried over him, sang to him, pleading for forgiveness that my body could not protect him.

We left the hospital 3 days later, and I fell into a deep depression. I cried and mourned for my son, and for the pain I experienced to birth him. My breasts became engorged, leaking breast milk for Killian. Realizing how full my breasts were of milk for Killian, I decided that I should pump for  other babies, and share my story on social media.

I will not be silent. I want heard, and to feel that I’m not alone in this journey. I want to honor Killian by pumping my milk and donating to babies in need of breast milk. I want to bring awareness to my stillbirth- and to stillbirths in general. With my goals in mind, I attended “The Big Latch On” in NYC Time Square on August 6^th, 2016. Among the crowd of nursing moms with their babies, I sat, the only one pumping- and proud of it.

Healing through Donating Breast Milk

I shared our story on social media. I received so much support through sharing my story. So many mothers read about our journey. All over social media, people expressed their condolences to me,  supporting me for pumping and donating.  “Breastfeeding World” heard about my story. They were able to gift me a new electric portable breast pump,  in order to continue and support the work that I do for other babies. The kindness and generosity I felt overwhelmed me. I know I am not alone.

Even though my pregnancy failed, I know I can bring healing to other babies with my breast milk. It didn’t matter to me that I got sore nipples, by pumping 8-9 times a day every 3 hours. It was giving me a purpose, a mission to spread awareness of miscarriages/stillbirths and for people to remember Killian’s name. My breast milk became his legacy, and with that I have expressed and donated over 560 ounces of my breast milk to 3 different babies, in one month.

[left][/left]

[right][/right]

I’m doing this for the love I have for my son, Killian. For all the babies that are in need of breast milk to thrive. I am doing this for women and their families who have lost their babes and are too afraid to speak up, or talk about it. To our society that pregnancy loss is not a taboo and it does happen often. And finally to normalize breastfeeding, and not shaming it.

Lauren Lewis

Lauren Lewis is no stranger to childcare development, having spent over 10 years as a nanny or family childcare provider. She’s the wife of a travel geek, mother of two vivacious children, and has an amazing talent for trailing lost things behind her a la Hansel and Gretel. Her passion for lifting up women and advocating for children pours out in her work as a Central Indiana Event Coordinator, Writer, and Social Media Relations Director for Breastfeeding World. Her life is full of busy, crazy and LOUD. It is full of love and hope, ups and downs. And coffee, always lots of coffee- but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

www.raisinglaurenslittle.wordpress.com

The post Pumping Through Grief; Honoring Infant Loss Through Breast Milk Donation appeared first on Breastfeeding World.