A nurse sat by me and told me that she was sorry. I grabbed her crying asking her what happened. She just stared at me. 

Even though I begged for a C-section, they told me I had to deliver her naturally and would begin the process of inducing me. I just kept telling my husband how scared I was.

Would I hold her?

Would I be strong enough to see her face? And, would she look normal?

A few hours later my OB came in. She held my hand and cried and said, I too lost a baby. Please hold her and spend time with her.

Two days later, it was time to deliver my daughter, who we had already named.

Violet Ann

When she was delivered, there was only the sound of my loud cries. My father told me that the doctor had been crying too. I asked the nurse if she looked normal so I could prepare myself. They wheeled her out wrapped in a handmade knitted hat and blanket. She had a small bear next to her. My family and I took turns holding her. She was warm, with the most beautiful and peaceful face. I could only bear to hold her for a few minutes, and when I asked if she could bring her back they told me that it wouldn’t be a good idea. 

The feelings following, were something beyond description

Being wheeled out of that hospital, in a wheelchair with no baby to a house where the only screams and cries are your own. When you wake up and feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest and you just beg that this is all a dream. That first Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, all the firsts. One was more gut wrenching then the other.

I was pregnant again, 4 months after burying my first born

I hated that everyone just thought I would be happy again or when a stranger would ask if this was my first. How could I pretend she didn’t exist?

No, this is not my first. My first is in heaven.

The looks of pity and discomfort from my response. I cried at every single sonogram appointment with my subsequent pregnancies. Until I saw that heartbeat on the screen, I felt like I was going to be sick. When my son Logan was born, I thought things would be different. But, at night when I would nurse him to sleep in the dark, I would sometimes get confused or pretend it was her. I would look in to his eyes and wonder if that is how she would look at me.

Two years later, I was blessed with a daughter

She looks exactly like Violet. For three years, I was unable to look at girly dresses or go down an aisle in a store with pink blankets and bows. But, after my daughter Teagan was born, something healed inside of me. It is almost as if Violet sent her down to me. You see, my husband and I were told we could never have children on our own, yet here she was, our blessing. 

 

When I was pregnant with Violet, I was so excited to teach her everything about the world but, it was her who has taught me

She has taught me how to be grateful, compassionate, and to love and appreciate every moment of this life, good or bad. Every step I take, is for the ones that she never could. Even though parenting after loss is complicated; a balance of a world filled with joy, followed by just as much sadness. If I had to do it all over again, I would still choose her. As long as I live, I will speak her name proudly.

For she is part of me, and I am part of her.

I will tell my story, and I will not be silent. Through it all, I will help the women that are new to this club that no one wants to be a part of. 

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Samantha Sykula

Born and raised in NY, I studied speech and language pathology at NYU. I am a stay at home mom to two beautiful children, Richard and Charlotte and wife to my wonderful husband, Rich. I have always had a deep love for learning, which has grown further since becoming a mother, I am always looking for new ways to enrich our lives. Becoming a mother changed my life, I learned compassion, caring and most importantly, true love. I hope to share the experiences of my breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, crocheting, full of love, life.

The post Violet Ann – Break The Silence, Nicole Heinze’s Story appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

As we arrived at the park on October 15th, I knew that it would be an emotional, beautiful and love-filled day. But, I did not expect the strength and the immediate bond between everyone there. It was incredible to watch, as each mother stood together, how interwoven they each were. They were bound together in an indescribable way. It was the most beautiful thing I could ever witness. 

Each mother was different, each story was different, every experience was different, and yet something felt the same. As they looked at their rainbow children, the beautiful little lights of hope, you could see all of the love among them. You could feel their angels there with us, watching over them. And, you could see on the face of every mother, that they were always carrying their precious babies; even when the world wasn’t. 

Mini Sessions with each of our mommas

We wanted each and every mom to have a special experience on this day. To remember and honor their babies gone too soon and acknowledge the special place their rainbow baby has in their hearts. 

As they came together….

Everything about this shoot was natural and beautiful. Bound together in loss, love and motherhood, each mom radiated an incredible strength that I deeply admire.

October 15th ~ Remembrance Day

As the day of remembrance, we participated in the wave of light together. We went around and spoke each baby’s name or due date. In the darkness, we sat, looking into each glowing light, remembering the lives that each flickering candle represented. We, at Breastfeeding World, are honored to be able to participate in something so incredibly moving. 

From the bottom of my heart, I would like to thank each of the wonderful mothers who offered their time, their stories and their hearts to us on this day. It means the world to be able to share this with our community and to honor your children and all of the children gone too soon. I would also like to thank Kim from Kim Max Photography for donating her time and talent to our shoot. Finally, Te-Ana Souffrant of Gem2Gen Doula services, who provided us the guidance and space to speak about loss openly and honestly. It was so wonderful to have all of you. 

I also would like to show appreciate to the following small businesses who generously donated their beautiful work for our moms and their families to use as props:

Mova-Light Maternity for the beautiful Dresses

Laura Costarella, Blue Stone Sky for the Rainbow Gauze

Jena Glasgow, Lilac Blossom Boutique for the Rainbow Maternity Sash

Jen at The Ritzy Rose for the Rainbow Baby Sign

Amanda Stinnet, Pretty Girl Bow Shop for the Felt Flower Headbands

Annie Edwards, My Little Itch, Rainbow Bow Tie 

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts and be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our hashtag

#BreastfeedingWorld

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Samantha Sykula

Born and raised in NY, I studied speech and language pathology at NYU. I am a stay at home mom to two beautiful children, Richard and Charlotte and wife to my wonderful husband, Rich. I have always had a deep love for learning, which has grown further since becoming a mother, I am always looking for new ways to enrich our lives. Becoming a mother changed my life, I learned compassion, caring and most importantly, true love. I hope to share the experiences of my breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, crocheting, full of love, life.

The post New York City’s Rainbow Photo Shoot with Kim Max Photography appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

I know loss

I know the stabbing, breathtaking, panicking feeling of realizing your baby is gone. I’ve had the racing thoughts. The denial. Hoping to be able to wake yourself up from a terrifying dream. I have held my lifeless child in my hands. I have studied her tiny features. Turning off my phone so no one could reach me, I remember I couldn’t stand one more text message from someone saying they were sorry. I didn’t want to hear anyone’s sympathy.

All I wanted was my baby back

I felt as if something was stolen from me. Ripped out of my arms without my consent and I was left with my empty hands, reaching out needing to grasp something, anything that made sense.

Two pink lines

Lets talk about those two pink lines. Sometimes you pray for them, sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they are terrifying. I have experienced all three! But nonetheless, when you see them, you become a mom. You see a new life, with a new spirit. Immediately, you imagine every possibility with this new beating heart. It is yours. You created sacred life within you.

Cells are multiplying, blood is flowing, and a tiny heart forms and beats life into an actual human! Your heart beats so fast you can hear it in your ears. Your hand subconciously touches your tummy and a slight smile brushes your mouth because you are going to be a mother. All as you find yourself looking harder to make sure those two pink lines are really there.

Can this be real?

Miracle, seems like an insufficient word for such an astounding series of events. Those two pink lines will change your life forever with just a glance. Is it a boy or a girl? You see yourself holding your newborn, first steps, first day of school, big hugs and tears consoled. It’s all right there, in those pink lines. It is important to understand these emotions as the mother, and as someone supporting a mother, because they are real and they are powerful. And they have got to be remembered if it ends.

When it Ends

Whether its early miscarriage, late term still birth, newborn death, or any kind of infant loss, the pain is just as real. No matter the time of the loss, remember, this mother has already seen the pink lines, experienced everything I have described. Do not discredit the emotions this mother has felt about the life inside her.

Each mother will grieve differently. As there is no right way to grieve. She will take as long as she needs to. And, that is okay. Let her hurt, let her cry, let her talk. But do not push.

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Each mother will grieve differently. As there is no right way to grieve. She will take as long as she needs to. And, that is okay. Let her hurt, let her cry, let her talk. But do not push.
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What to say

It can be difficult to know what to say to a grieving mother. So much so, that lots of people avoid saying anything at all. But it doesnt have to be that way.

Let’s first address what not to say, shall we? Some things are more hurtful than helpful. Please don’t say “Maybe it’s for the best”, “At least you know you can get pregnant”, “At least you have other children.”, “You can try again.”, “At least it happened early.” How about as a general rule, don’t start a sentence with “At least”. Don’t say “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Because she won’t.

Instead, let’s say, “What can I do today to help?” “I’m so sorry you are going through this.”, “I am right here whenever you need to talk about it”, “It’s okay to cry.” “I am praying for you.”, “You are important to me.”, “Your baby mattered.”

The Stigma

The world sometimes likes to discredit miscarriage because they think it’s not a real loss, or the mom can get over it easier because it wasn’t “a real baby”. This is simply not true.

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Remember the Two Pink Lines paragraph?

Women don’t need to suffer in silence. They don’t need to feel ashamed or silly about the pain that they feel. They need to feel it and they need to talk about it. There are so many support groups bringing awareness to this. Making sure that the world knows that this is a real loss of a real life, with real pain. You do not need to suffer in silence. To those that still carry the sigma, to them we can say “I hope you never have to go through this.”

The all important healing

After my loss, it took me while to want to talk about it. I felt a lot of anger and confusion. There were so many questions. I needed to feel the hurt and grieve in my own way. 

It was only after many conversations with God, that I was able to feel the heavy burden lifted from me. Suddenly, I no longer felt like I had to carry this hurt by myself. I found myself needing to talk about it. Needing to talk about her. She existed and deserved my praise. I had a great support system who listened and let me cry. Because of this, I felt her presence strongly around me, and that was very peaceful.

I wanted to do something in remberance of her. So we, as a family bought an orange tree and planted it in our back yard for her. It was a reminder that our family is forever. A reminder that we will see her again. It was a few months later that we saw a butterfly hovering endlessly around the tree. I then realised that, that day would have been her due date. And that sweet butterfly was a reminder that she is with us.

Ever since then, when we see butterflies, we say “Baby sister is here!”

I also felt very strongly that I wanted to write a children’s book to help explain to children what happens when mommy’s baby goes to heaven. My children’s book was written and published in the same year as my loss. It changed my life. I was able to start an Instagram account to share the book and also share women’s stories of loss and hope. (@too.perfect.for.this.earth) The women I have met through this have been inspiring and have helped break the silence. It has been an amazing experience.

Book information here

How to support those suffering through child loss

Say the right things. And love that momma unconditionally. If she is open to it, help her think of ways to honor and remember her baby. There are websites that will make jewelry out of your babies ashes or breastmilk. Websites that make amazing plaques or framed art with your childs name. Perhaps plant a tree and bury something of your babies with it.

Having something positive to hold, or see is very validating and healing. Pray. Pray for peace to be brought to her heart and her family. Serve. Take a meal, watch her other children, clean a bathroom, anything to help take the normal life pressures off of her while she heals and grieves. Send a card or a book to let her know she is in your thoughts

In conclusion, infant loss is a real pain that deserves the respect of understanding it. Reach out and tell your story, you never know who’s day you will brighten, or whose heart you will assist in healing. I’ll end with my favorite quote about this subject that inspired the title of my book.

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”

-Joseph Smith

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts and be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our hashtag

#BreastfeedingWorld

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Andrea Tao

My name is Andrea Tao. I live on the surface of the sun in southern Arizona. I have been married for 13 years and have 6 (yes 6) kids. I am a massage therapist by trade and a total hippy. Hobbies include watercolor painting, fitness, gardening and mommin hard. Pregnancy and infant loss awareness advocate. Wrote a children’s book about miscarriage a few years ago after a loss and it changed my life. Love seeing the humorous side of parenting and try to be as sarcastic as I can. Laughing my way through momhood!

The post I Know Loss – Supporting Those Suffering From Child Loss appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

A Note from the Editor: Last October 2016, Breastfeeding World supported families who experienced miscarriage, still birth, and Infant Loss.

Our goal- to “Break the Silence” and stigma surrounding their grief during

We are honored to feature mothers willing to commemorate their babies, gone too soon, by giving them a platform to share their experiences. So with that, we are so thankful to the Little Lionheart project for sharing their story of loss, determination, and coping with our Breastfeeding World Community. Please do not grieve alone.

My Journey Through Loss- The Little Lionheart Project

When my husband and I got engaged, only 3 months after we met – we knew we wanted to start a family as soon as possible. We could never have imagined how difficult, devastating and heartbreaking having children could be. We never knew there was a ‘club no one wants join’.

Our first, second and third pregnancies ended in an ectopic and two early miscarriages. Whilst devastating at the time, we knew that we had to keep trying.

We fell pregnant with fraternal twins in September 2012. When we made it past the 12 week ‘safe’ period, the milestone excited us beyond compare. Finally, it was our turn. And to have two babies – amazing! We planned, we painted, we shopped as any expecting parents would.

On the 20^th November, whilst at work, my water broke early (a condition known as Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes or PPROM). We lost our first little boy, Junior.

I went straight into hospital and was placed on rest. I waited for a cervical suture to keep our second baby baking away. However, as wait on the operating table 9 days later, my second water broke. Our second twin Alex was born too early.

Diagnosed with an ‘Incompetent Cervix’, I underwent surgery 3 months later to put in a permanent stitch around my cervix. The goal of this is to keep it closed during pregnancy. The stitch is generally considered 95% successful, so when we fell pregnant again in August 2013, we knew our ‘miracle stitch’ was finally going to bring us a baby home.

Still, I felt something ‘wasn’t right’, but dismissed the feeling, thinking I just had some nerves. We went to our morphology scan on the 5^th of December, I was 19 weeks pregnant. There, we realized that my cervix once again open, and my waters were ‘bulging’ through.

 Our nightmare was beginning again.

Again, I went straight from scan to hospital on strict bed rest, but that very night, I PPROM’d again. The contractions came, but then stopped. Doctors said to expect that I would be delivering our baby boy, Ashley, within 48 hours. But our little man had other ideas.

Even though Ashley’s leg became caught through the stitch into my cervix, combined with having zero amniotic fluid, our little man survived for 4 more weeks. We nicknamed him our ‘little lionheart’. He became our lion heart for his sheer determination to stay with his parents. Parents who loved him beyond measure, parents desperate for him to live.

However our little boy arrived after only 23 weeks and 1 day- too early. He lived for 23 minutes.

Despair does not even cover the feelings we had. We had lost 6 babies in 5 pregnancies. Our miracle stitch had not worked – we had lost our little lionheart. How could this have happened again?

After Ashley’s birth, we used a CuddleCot to spend time with him. Unfortunately the hospital had only one of these vital machines to share between the four families who lost babies the same day. We decided that we would fundraise to purchase a second one for our hospital. It provided the only time we had to parent Ashley – to take photos, hand and foot casts and make memories.

We gave ourselves six months to raise the $4000 needed; but through the love and support of our family and friends, we raised it in 3 weeks. Donating the CuddleCot in Ashley’s name was therapeutic in a way, and gave us a way to channel our grief.

We then established “Little LionHeart”

Little Lionheart is a charity project to support the pregnancy and infant loss community. We fundraise to purchase more Cuddle Cots for hospitals, and we supply ‘memory boxes’ to four hospitals to give bereaved parents so they don’t leave hospital with ‘empty arms’.

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So far we have fundraised $15,000 to purchase three Cuddle Cots, and about to fundraise for our 4^th; and provided well over 200 memory boxes to families. We are also passionate on ‘breaking the silence’ of pregnancy and infant loss. Losing our babies should not be a taboo subject, nor is it something to hide. I will not move on from or get over the loss of our babies. Their deaths makes my family achingly incomplete. We feel their absences every day.

We hope that through projects like ours, and many other similar ones in Australia, we can continue to provide support and understanding to our very special community.

Read more about grieving, coping, and surviving the death of your baby from Dr. Deborah Davis:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201610/9-compassionate-tips-surviving-the-death-your-baby

Sources of bereaved parent support:

http://nationalshare.org/

https://pailnetwork.ca/

http://sands.org.nz/

http://www.sands.org.au/

https://www.uk-sands.org/

Experience the healing that comes from telling your story—or reading the stories of others:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2016

https://grievingdads.com/tell-your-story/

Learn more about this series, a letter from the Breastfeeding World Team

Join us in Breaking The Silence

[col1]Robyn’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Becca’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Megan’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Anika’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Janice’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Randi’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Olivia’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Tasha’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Maegan’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Liz’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Mandi’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Jacinta’s Story[/col3]

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

–

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admin

A photography project founded in late 2014 by Alexia Garcia, photographer a Alegares Photography. Breastfeeding World aims to promote breastfeeding and encourage new moms to nurse their babies through the art of photography and story telling.

The post My Journey Through Loss- Little LionHeart appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

Understanding the layers of loss and challenges of mourning can help you embrace the depth of your grief.

When a baby dies, parents can experience a grief so profound, they wonder how they can survive it. If you’ve experienced the death of a baby, it’s normal to worry about your sanity. It can help you to acknowledge the many layers of loss and special challenges that can affect the course of your mourning. Layers which can make a baby’s death so very difficult to endure. Understanding why this is so hard can affirm your baby’s importance and validate the depth of your grief.

You may experience some or all of the following losses and challenges.

Death is taboo in our society

Rather than being seen as an inevitable and natural part of the cycle of life, death has become something we consider scary and distasteful—even disgusting—and best avoided. As a result, most people feel uncomfortable with death and dying. They don’t want to think about it, much less talk about it. When a baby dies, it is especially unthinkable and unspeakable. Unfortunately, this leaves bereaved parents alone and adrift, which only adds to their suffering.

A baby’s death violates expectations

Modern medicine and standards of living have greatly improved the prospects of having a healthy pregnancy and giving birth to healthy baby. As such, expectant parents are not likely to seriously consider the possibility that their baby may die, particularly after the first trimester of pregnancy. This assumption accompanies the belief that by “doing all the right things,” guarantees a healthy baby.So when a baby dies, the parents’ expectations are cruelly violated.

A baby’s death is a traumatic bereavement

Trauma happens when you experience an emotionally painful event over which you have no control, and it leaves a lasting imprint on your brain—and your life. A large part of what makes a traumatic experience is that everything is okay. But then suddenly, and unexpectedly, it’s not. So when your baby dies, the road of recovery is long, winding, and hard.

The weight of responsibility

Particularly as the mother, you may wonder about what you did or did not do that might have contributed to your baby’s plight. As the father or the mother’s partner, you may wonder what you could’ve done better to protect your baby or ward off this tragedy. All of these normal feelings originate from the natural and biological urge to protect your children. Particularly if you hold tight to the common belief that you have control over what happens to you, these feelings of responsibility can contribute to painful feelings of guilt.

Feelings of helplessness

It is normal for the mother to feel betrayed by her body’s inability to create or sustain a healthy baby or an uncomplicated birth. Your baby’s death can also undermine a sense of being masterful and able to fix anything or solve any problem. Many fathers, in particular, feel this keenly. Feelings of helplessness also go against the grain of an accomplishment-based life, and may contribute to a sense of failure or loss of control.

A loss of innocence and faith

When your baby dies, it makes you realize that bad things can happen to good people. You don’t have total control over your destiny, and you cannot shield your children from death. For many parents, a baby’s death triggers a crisis of religious faith or they may struggle with the senselessness of it all. You may also feel anxious or angry as you face your new knowledge that you are vulnerable to tragedy.

A loss of identity as a parent

When you found out you were pregnant, your identity as a parent to this baby began to form. When this baby dies, you have to figure out what it means to be a parent to a child who is no longer with you. Particularly if you don’t have any other surviving children, you may question whether you’re still a mother, or still a father.

Feeling uncertain and unsure of yourself

Before your baby died, you may have seen yourself as emotionally sound, responsible, in charge, and invincible. Now you must develop a new identity. Allow yourself to feel distressed, confused, unmotivated, and vulnerable. You may also have to redefine what it means to be a woman or a man—or an adult. Your role as a friend and family member may change too, as you may find it impossible to deal with the seemingly endless stream of new babies in your social circles. And if you quit your job, because you anticipated staying home with your baby, you may feel uncertain of your financial role, your career, or what to do about it. Finally, you may wonder about “trying again”. You may feel uncertain about whether or when to have another baby.

Feelings of isolation

You may feel abandoned by friends and family members who don’t understand your grief or your need for support. People may avoid the topic as they don’t want to upset you by asking about your baby or how you’re really doing. Some may feel so uncomfortable or unsure about how to behave that they simply avoid you. Even your midwife, doctor, or nurses may feel awkward and uncertain about how to broach the topic of your baby’s death or how to support you in your grief. As a result, you may feel like you’re the only one who remembers or cares about your little baby.

Not enough time spent with your baby

When the length of time spent with the infant is brief, coping with a baby’s death becomes particularly difficult. When you never or barely get to know your baby after birth, you may feel cheated. Cheated of the chance to learn about this child’s special qualities, or fully express your love and devotion. If you were blocked from spending sufficient time with your baby before death or before relinquishing the body, these are other losses to bear.

A lack of memories and mementos

Your baby’s brief life also means you had few opportunities to gather memories and mementos, which are important to the bereaved. When you have few memories or mementos, you may find it challenging to validate your baby’s existence, acknowledge your baby’s importance, honor your bond, and experience a more gradual goodbye. And when the “hello-goodbye” is so abrupt, this can add to your trauma and complicate your grief.

A lack of mourning rituals

Many parents are not sufficiently encouraged to engage in rituals of mourning. Spending time with the body, arranging a funeral, attending the burial, making formal public announcements of the death, and recognizing a mourning period—all of these rituals are designed to support the bereaved. Traditional rituals- taking the body home for many days, having a home funeral, and green burial are becoming more prevalent, but these rituals take time and run deep. This is at odds with fast-paced, skate-on-the-surface, modern societies. As such, these rituals are often denied, overlooked, or minimized- especially when a baby dies.

A loss of a part of your future

Not only do you grieve for your baby, you also grieve for your lost visions of parenthood. The moments you had looked forward to—parental leave, family gatherings, and holidays—can seem worthless or trivial without your baby. If you preferred to have all your children by, say, age thirty-five, or spaced a certain number of years apart, the death of your baby might mean that your family isn’t what you imagined. If you anticipated the birth of twins, triplets, or more, you will grieve for the lost chance to raise multiple babies together. And your baby’s death represents a missing branch of the family tree as you consider the prospective generations that might have been. All of these deficits in your future make it particularly painful to get on with your life. In fact, your baby’s death puts you on a different path.

 You can grieve and survive the death of your baby

As you identify and affirm your layers of loss, challenges, and trauma, please know- your baby’s death is a huge deal. You may feel deeply affected. Also, while your layers are unique to you, you share much common ground with other bereaved parents. You are not alone. And in spite of all these barriers and difficulties, you can grieve and survive the death of your baby. Just as other parents grieved before you. Indeed, you may find it immensely comforting to read about the experiences of other bereaved parents—or seek out their company, which can serve as a lifeline to you.

Read more about grieving, coping, and surviving the death of your baby:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live/201610/9-compassionate-tips-surviving-the-death-your-baby

Sources of bereaved parent support:

http://nationalshare.org/

https://pailnetwork.ca/

http://sands.org.nz/

http://www.sands.org.au/

https://www.uk-sands.org/

Experience the healing that comes from telling your story—or reading the stories of others:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/capture-your-grief-2016

https://grievingdads.com/tell-your-story/

Deborah L. Davis, PhD is a developmental psychologist and writer who has authored several books that support parents who’ve experienced the death of a baby. She is most well known for Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby (the much-awaited Third Edition comes out November 1) and A Gift of Time (with Amy Kuebelbeck), which supports parents who seek perinatal hospice after receiving a life-limiting prenatal diagnosis for their baby. Since 2011, she’s been blogging for Psychology Today, where she writes about resilience, including coping with perinatal bereavement. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/laugh-cry-live

admin

A photography project founded in late 2014 by Alexia Garcia, photographer a Alegares Photography. Breastfeeding World aims to promote breastfeeding and encourage new moms to nurse their babies through the art of photography and story telling.

The post When a Baby Dies: Why is this so hard? by Deborah Davis, PHD appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

As a social work therapist, I have spent the past decade supporting people through trauma, tragedy and all forms of challenge and change. But in 2014, I experienced first hand what it takes to survive the unthinkable.

My daughter Nora suddenly and unexpectedly passed away when she was one day old.

She simply stopped breathing in my arms.

At first, my pregnancy had been normal and healthy. There were no forewarnings or indications that anything was wrong. After all, I had every piece of her nursery and our home ready and waiting for our new life together. But just like getting struck by lightning, I suddenly found myself amongst a small percentage of rare and unusual stories. Everything I felt that was solid and certain in my life smashed into a million pieces in a single moment.

No Therapist Training Could Have Prepared Me

Later I remember someone saying to me in the early days of my grief “You might have an easier time getting through this because this is the work that you do.” I remember being aware of the good intentions behind their words at the time. Yet I also thought it was absolutely ludicrous to assume my position as a therapist somehow trained me to deal with the death of my daughter. In no way did I feel equipped to deal with this.

However, in hindsight I realized there were in fact some truth in what this person had said. My work taught me several important things over the years. I am very grateful, because I believe it helped me work my way out of the darkness of loss.

One of those things was this: I knew for a fact that this experience will change me. I saw enough as a therapist to know. There’s no way to come out the other side of something like this unaltered.

Emotional Crossroads

So I was very acutely aware that I was now standing at a crossroads. Either I could become bitter, hardened and spend the rest of my life feeling like a victim, or I could grow. I could expand. Find a way to come out the other side of this as a stronger, better version of myself.

I chose the later. Firmly,  I believe this will always be a work in progress. There is no final point of arrival.

I also knew I needed to fully commit myself to the goal of surviving. That there’s a very real risk that I could be swept away completely by the ocean of despair that I been dropped into.

And I knew I needed to fight my way through for one very specific reason. Moreover, if I crumbled and self-destructed- that would be the story told about my little girl. Later, in hushed tones within my circle of friends and family, she would be referred to as the reason why her mother was now a mess. So I refused to let that to become her legacy.

The Love and Loss Project

After her death, I began various projects. I started fundraising for maternity organizations. Then I delivered care packs to bereaved moms in hospitals. Compelled, I needed to share her love and light in some way. But I also knew I needed to offer something more concrete. To fill the gaps in the services and support systems which I participated in. So I created the Love & Loss Project, an online comfort and inspiration station. Here, as a therapist, I share tools, strategies and support for bereaved families.

I will always be Nora’s mother. To honor her, I am dedicated to living my life as brightly as possible, my little bright-eyed girl.

That is what I believe she would want for me.

That is what I wanted for her.

So I aim to live my life with as much purpose, passion, joy and adventure as I possible. In doing so, I help others to do the same. This is how I am refusing to let my daughter’s life end as a tragedy. Instead, I am turning her brief and beautiful life story into a love story.

Thank you for being a part of that with me, here.

April Boyd, MSM http://www.lovelossproject.com

For More information on April’s Love and Loss Project, please check out her youtube video.
https://youtu.be/JrqqU–E5kg

Learn more about this series, a letter from the Breastfeeding World Team

Join us in Breaking The Silence

[col1]Robyn’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Becca’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Megan’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Anika’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Janice’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Randi’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Olivia’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Tasha’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Maegan’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Liz’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Mandi’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Jacinta’s Story[/col3]

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

–

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admin

A photography project founded in late 2014 by Alexia Garcia, photographer a Alegares Photography. Breastfeeding World aims to promote breastfeeding and encourage new moms to nurse their babies through the art of photography and story telling.

The post A Therapist’s Experience- Losing My Daughter appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

The Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Alliance has released a statement on Lactation after Perinatal Loss. According the website, PLIDA is “An alliance of professional groups,, institutions, and individuals who provide care and support to families who experience perinatal loss.” Their goal is to be a source of support for professional caregivers. The recent statement on lactation after perinatal loss is important to lending support to bereaved families.

Mothers, when they are denied the ability to offer their child breast-milk, feel an intense grief

PLIDA quotes several mothers in regards to their grief in not being able to feed their baby.

• The things that made me sad were really just the realities of losing a baby. Like, I couldn’t hold her, I couldn’t, I couldn’t nurse her… (Lathrop, 2010b)
• But when your baby dies… there’s not much you’re going to do for your baby. You’re not going to feed your baby… (Lathrop, 2010a, p. 141)
• I had lost the baby and I remember when my milk came in, that being a really bittersweet moment. Like it was, on the one hand it was sad, because, you know I had all this milk and I couldn’t feed this baby… (Limbo & Lathrop, 2014, p. 53).
• I think a big part of a mother’s experience is being able to feed your child. You know, not being able to do that was odd. (Lathrop, 2010b)
•  I nursed my first child. And so I— I kind of feel like that’s just what you do. You know, that’s kind of a mother, maternal thing that happens: when you have a baby, you are nursing. And I was— I kind of grieved about that, before I even had the baby. (Lathrop, 2010b)
• The interviewer reminded one mother that she had expressed a few drops of breast milk and placed them on her dead baby’s lips, a symbolic act of caregiving. (Kobler, Limbo, & Kavanaugh, 2007; Limbo & Lathrop, 2014, p. 53).

Grief Caregivers Yield Heavy Influences

PLIDA remains firm that caregivers need to be aware of the influence they yield when supporting a bereaved family. Therefore they recommend any caregiving staff- nurses, doctors, clergy, midwives, doulas, funeral directors, etc,- be well versed in self-care education and coping skills. The Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Association encourages these bereavement counselors to inform the mother of the chances of lactogenesis. Milk tends to “come in” at about 30-40 hours after the loss or birth of their baby.

Rituals and parenting opportunities related to breastfeeding—whether they be cultural, religious, or familial— can provide some form of reconciliation to the loss being experienced by the mother and her family.

Next, the PLIDA statement on Lactation after Perinatal Loss is careful to emphasize to caregivers that the “most important aspect is to listen to her (the mother’s)  wishes, desires, and hopes, and to advocate for these to the extent possible in your care setting.” Particularly, this is important in regards to the mother’s desire for skin to skin, offering a breast to her dying baby, or to place a few drops of colostrum to an already passed infants lips, or whatever choices she makes about her milk.

Options for Bereaved Mother’s Milk

Fortunately, the Lactation after Loss Statement provides several options for a mother choosing to commemorate her loss via her breastmilk. Some of these options include:

• Taking a Keepsake of her Breastmilk. Some mothers may later choose to use this sample to create jewelry from it, such as Beyond the Willow Tree does.
• Pump and Donate her milk to a human milk donation bank
• Pump to provide milk to other infants in need, which also can help a mother to find some meaning in experiencing her loss.

PLIDA Recommended Lactation Support:

Human Milk Banking Association of North America (to locate an appropriate milk bank for donations): https://www.hmbana.org
International Lactation Consultant Association (professional organization of International Board Certified Lactation Consultants who can provide assistance to mothers): http://www.ilca.org
La Leche League International (mother-to-mother support, encouragement, information, and education about breastfeeding): http://www.llli.org

[col1]Robyn’s Story [/col1]

[col2]Becca’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Megan’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Anika’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Janice’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Randi’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Olivia’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Tasha’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Liz’s Story[/col3]

Lauren Lewis

Lauren Lewis is no stranger to childcare development, having spent over 10 years as a nanny or family childcare provider. She’s the wife of a travel geek, mother of two vivacious children, and has an amazing talent for trailing lost things behind her a la Hansel and Gretel. Her passion for lifting up women and advocating for children pours out in her work as a Central Indiana Event Coordinator, Writer, and Social Media Relations Director for Breastfeeding World. Her life is full of busy, crazy and LOUD. It is full of love and hope, ups and downs. And coffee, always lots of coffee- but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

www.raisinglaurenslittle.wordpress.com

The post PLIDA Statement: Lactation After Perinatal Loss appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

She was the most Beautiful Girl I ever laid eyes on

CuddleCot Donations Allowed Us Some Time to Say Good-Bye

I look back now and wish that I would have held her and never let her go.

We have a 5 year old Son who was looking forward to meeting his baby sister.

The nurses who took care of us in the Hospital did what they could to make this horrible process a little easier

Home without Kenley

This time, my body failed me in a much bigger way. It took my baby, and still allowed my milk to come in. It had missed the memo that we are without a child to feed.

Support through our grief

I’ve found strength through blogging

Lauren Lewis

Lauren Lewis is no stranger to childcare development, having spent over 10 years as a nanny or family childcare provider. She’s the wife of a travel geek, mother of two vivacious children, and has an amazing talent for trailing lost things behind her a la Hansel and Gretel. Her passion for lifting up women and advocating for children pours out in her work as a Central Indiana Event Coordinator, Writer, and Social Media Relations Director for Breastfeeding World. Her life is full of busy, crazy and LOUD. It is full of love and hope, ups and downs. And coffee, always lots of coffee- but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

www.raisinglaurenslittle.wordpress.com

The post Saying Goodbye Too Soon- Randi Hayes Remembers Kenley appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

My Sweet Dragonfly was created to reach out to women as they mourn their stillbirth, miscarriage, or infant loss

By Walter Dudley Cavert

“In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their group ever came back after crawling up the lily stems to the top of the water.  They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what had happened to him.  Soon one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings.  In vain he tried to keep his promise.  Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below.  Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number.

The fact that we cannot see our friends or communicate with them after the transformation which we call death is no proof that they cease to exist.”

Anika Swensen Breaks the Silence

The morning of March 5, 2013 I went in for my regular appointment with my midwife. Notably, this was my fourth pregnancy. I have never encountered any problems, so I had no concerns. After all, I was 17 weeks along- almost halfway there. We were way into the “safe” zone that everyone likes to talk about, and just felt him kicking the night before. My four year-old even came along so that she could hear the baby’s heartbeat before I took her to preschool. In the middle of a two-week visit, my mom and I were going to go do something fun with my younger two during school.

There is No Heartbeat

Even when my midwife was struggling to find the heartbeat with her Doppler, I chalked it up to my daughter being a bit too noisy while she was trying to listen. Then she told me she would like to order an ultrasound, since the baby wasn’t being cooperative.

My midwife knew, but she just wanted me to have a few more minutes before my world shattered. She has been my midwife for six years. Moreover, she attended all three of my children’s births. I cannot imagine the strength it took for her to hide what she knew until I was out of sight.

As we waited for the ultrasound, I started to become concerned about why this was necessary. I tried to call my husband to let him know that there may be a problem, even though I wasn’t sure what yet. My daughter was a welcome distraction.

As soon as I saw my baby on the screen, I knew. There were many ultrasounds in my past. The baby looked different this time. There were no flutters, no slight movements. Still, I had to ask, “Is there a heartbeat?” The entire rest of that day is still a blur. My 4 year old rubbed my back, hugging me, telling me that she loves me. Still, I remember wailing into the phone, letting my husband know what had happened. Calling my mom, I heard sobs that echoed mine. I remember being numb.

Still born, Still Remembered

Gabriel Michael was born at 11:11pm on March 6, 2013. We held him for hours, tried to sleep, held him more. Our pastor, and another dear friend dedicated him for us. After, we left the hospital without our baby.

Life around us carried on, business as usual for everyone but us. My husband had to go back to work, my mom had to fly back home. What was I supposed to do now? Unexpected people came out of the woodwork to love on me. Others retreated. That hurt.

I clung to my faith, especially during this time. It’s a hard to know what to do, what to say. Death makes people uncomfortable. Sometimes they don’t realize that words aren’t necessary. Love is action. Love is remembering. Love is patience. Love is allowing the mother to remember, and being honored that she wants to share with you.

Healing Through My Sweet Dragonfly

My Sweet Dragonfly was born of my loss. Finding beauty in rain. The loss of a child is an isolating, lonely grief. Therefore, I wanted mothers going through loss to know that they are not alone. There is someone who loves them, who is on this path with them. So I began putting together bags of gifts to give to women going through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.

Each My Sweet Dragonfly gift comes wrapped, and the bag contains a handwritten card. For the first six months I worked on my own . A dear friend, who lost her daughter and received a bag, encouraged me to invite people to join in. We had a get together on the anniversary of Gabriel’s birth. So many people came with wonderful items to fill the bags.

We were able to put together 18 bags. This began the ministry that God placed on my heart. In the two and a half years since I started this, it has grown so much, and so quickly. A local jewelry maker, Katie with Brick House Creations, heard about My Sweet Dragonfly. She now makes what we have named “Necklaces of Hope” to put in each bag.

My Sweet Dragonfly Reaches My Community

There are two major hospitals in my city, and they now provide My Sweet Dragonfly bags to moms that need to come in to the hospital to deliver their sleeping babies. We have a Facebook page that people can utilize to contact us in order to get a bag sent or delivered to a friend or family member.

It is humbling, and such an amazing blessing to be embraced by the community. Notably, the bags are provided at no charge, through fundraisers and generous donations. We are working on becoming a non profit, so that we can continue to grow and reach out to more women.

I want every mother who goes through a loss to know that they are loved, that they have a community that they can talk to. For the International Wave of Light this year, I lit a candle for every mom that has received one of our Dragonfly bags in the past two and a half years- since we started. Seeing all 241 of those candles lit together, and knowing how many more candles were lit around the world, was heartbreaking

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My hope is that I honor Gabriel through this ministry.

http://www.healinghopeministries.com is another amazing ministry here in South Dakota that has a heart for families going through a loss.

Learn more about this series, a letter from the Breastfeeding World Team

Join us in Breaking The Silence

[col1]Robyn’s Story[col1]

[col2]Becca’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Megan’s Story[/col3]

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

–

[col1][/col1]

[col2][/col2]

[col3][/col3]

Lauren Lewis

Lauren Lewis is no stranger to childcare development, having spent over 10 years as a nanny or family childcare provider. She’s the wife of a travel geek, mother of two vivacious children, and has an amazing talent for trailing lost things behind her a la Hansel and Gretel. Her passion for lifting up women and advocating for children pours out in her work as a Central Indiana Event Coordinator, Writer, and Social Media Relations Director for Breastfeeding World. Her life is full of busy, crazy and LOUD. It is full of love and hope, ups and downs. And coffee, always lots of coffee- but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

www.raisinglaurenslittle.wordpress.com

The post My Sweet Dragonfly – Anika’s Story appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

It would take a lifetime because your baby deserved a lifetime. However, I will try to let you in as much as I can. You have to prepare yourself to let those feelings come back. It is such excruciating pain that you can’t let yourself feel them all the time, even if everything you do revolves around what happened.

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I lost my sweet, naïve innocence on the day they told me there was no heartbeat. A part of me died that I will never get back. I had to deliver my son at 24 weeks knowing that I would not hear that sweet little cry. How do you describe that pain? You don’t.

It’s impossible to describe the pain of a real birth to a “still” baby

How do you explain the feeling of your body preparing for a child that isn’t here? Or of the longing you feel in your arms to hold a baby in the days after. You cannot prepare for missing the bump that you held every night- feeling the sweet movements of the being you love the most.

In the midst of this, how can you describe watching your families broken hearts? Or seeing your significant other in the same amount of pain, but you can do nothing to help. Nothing prepares you for the feeling you get when people who pretend you never had a baby- because he died. But mostly, nothing tells you about  the strength it takes to look at everyone’s happy lives. It sucks to say but the pictures of pregnancy announcements, babies being born and moms out and about with their children make you cringe with pain. Don’t get me wrong you are happy for them. It’s a reminder  exactly of the destroying, gut wrenching, suffocating, sickening pain you feel.

Now you’re probably wondering how I am sitting here writing this little story to you. Honestly, I am surprised myself because some days I don’t know how to go on. On other days I do, though, and I’ll let you in on that little secret.

Ready for it……LOVE!

The outpouring of love and support I got was overwhelmingly wonderful. Just knowing how loved my son was, made the days a little easier. I eventually started a support group. The moment everything started I began reaching out for help.  I knew I needed to talk about what I was going through or I would explode. My support group is MWA (Mama’s With Angels), and we meet every Tuesday. Some of the strongest women I know, I have met through this group, my amazing new friends.

I also pumped and donated breast milk to an adoptive family. I am not the type of person to sit around and not give back when I can. The only other piece of advice is to take each day one at a time.  I mention my son every day. I talk so much about what happened in hopes that I can help other moms get up off the steps of Hades.

Processing My Feelings

The first few days I thought there could be nothing worse than all the different emotions and physical pain that followed.

It felt like someone electrocuted my brain and told me to keep going through life normally. Eventually I became numb to the pain and went through life in a fog. I was in shock and didn’t know it.

Then one day I wrote out the most detailed, 10 page “story” of what happened to my son. That suffocating feeling came back. I released the Kraken, and it scared me. Terrified of these feelings, I thought, “there is no way I can come back from this.”

Then I realized you don’t come back, you write a different story.

So every day I let myself feel how I need to feel. Eventually I stopped being scared. I started embracing my new life- even in my unbelievable pain. I want to tell you that the grief gets easier, but it doesn’t.  Perhaps it never will. You just start to appreciate, enjoy and love everything a bit more.

You are Not Alone

My due date just passed. In memorial,  I went to make a bear the same weight as my son was. I cried when they told me to make a wish and put the heart in. How cruel, that I had a bear to hold instead of my son? But I thanked him, for showing me a love that I never knew before. I want you to know that you are not alone. Its okay to let out your emotions- to speak on the loss of your sweet baby. They are real, you are real, and the LOVE is real.

RIP Robert “Huey” Houston III 6/22/16

Learn more about this series, a letter from the Breastfeeding World Team

Join us in Breaking The Silence

[col1]Robyn’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Megan’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Anika’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Janice’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Randi’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Olivia’s Story[/col3]

[col1]Tasha’s Story[/col1]

[col2]Maegan’s Story[/col2]

[col3]Liz’s Story[/col3]

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

–

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[col3][/col3]

Lauren Lewis

Lauren Lewis is no stranger to childcare development, having spent over 10 years as a nanny or family childcare provider. She’s the wife of a travel geek, mother of two vivacious children, and has an amazing talent for trailing lost things behind her a la Hansel and Gretel. Her passion for lifting up women and advocating for children pours out in her work as a Central Indiana Event Coordinator, Writer, and Social Media Relations Director for Breastfeeding World. Her life is full of busy, crazy and LOUD. It is full of love and hope, ups and downs. And coffee, always lots of coffee- but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

www.raisinglaurenslittle.wordpress.com

The post How I Coped with the Pain of StillBirth- Becca Houston’s Story appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

Wendy & Killian

One of life’s most painful losses it that of a child.

Miscarriage, still birth and infant loss cause a pain that is devastating. We feel a strong and natural love for our child. To lose your little one to death before they have had a chance at life is unfair, cruel even. We are left to wonder what might have been. A pair of empty arms can seem emptier than ever before. Faced with such a painful experience, we urge you to remember that it is normal, necessary and healthy to grieve.

Becca remembers her son on his due date.

You should not have to do it alone.

No more should you hear that “it is natural” or “for the best”, for it is neither when you feel such emptiness. Your loss is real, realer than most can ever understand. It is time that we remove this taboo. We know that you will never move on, and as you step forward through this journey, your baby travels with you. It is time that we all remember your baby as you do because THAT is what is truly natural.

For the remainder of the month, we will be sharing the raw stories of miscarriage, still birth and infant loss. We are honored to give voice to our children, gone far too soon. We stand with you and we would like to let other families know that they are not alone. For you, all of our mothers who had to say goodbye before they said hello,

we break the silence.

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

–

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Samantha Sykula

Born and raised in NY, I studied speech and language pathology at NYU. I am a stay at home mom to two beautiful children, Richard and Charlotte and wife to my wonderful husband, Rich. I have always had a deep love for learning, which has grown further since becoming a mother, I am always looking for new ways to enrich our lives. Becoming a mother changed my life, I learned compassion, caring and most importantly, true love. I hope to share the experiences of my breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, crocheting, full of love, life.

The post Breaking The Silence Series: Miscarriage, Still Birth & Infant Loss appeared first on Breastfeeding World.