Did you know midwives, doulas and breastfeeding mothers are witches?
On Halloween we all band together to dance pregnant under the full moon and cast a spell to force every woman to nurse her baby everywhere, just to make everyone feel unbearably uncomfortable. We believe in evil and enjoy torturing pain so much that we encourage a natural, drug-free and sometimes water birth to feel human again. And you don’t even want to know what we sometimes do with the placenta.
Us witches that breastfeed are the strongest and most powerful, so beware!
We thrive and our powers grow each time you attack us by degrading us or shaming us for our “unnatural” and twisted ways of nursing our poor-soul babies.
In February 2013, UK’s Today’s Telegraph’s Anna White, a new mother to twins at the time, shared her frustration on social pressures that “breast is best” and her annoyance of passionate (professional) advocates for breastfeeding, calling them “the Witches of Breastfeeding.” I do sympathize for her and that she felt so much pressure to breastfeed her twins while she was having a hard time postpartum. I know formula/bottle feeding is sometimes the best choice for a family; however, to call breastfeeding advocates, professionals, doctors and lactation specialists “Witches” only proves we are numb to the name-calling we do to each other and to women in the birth community, which we can take very personally. Also, it’s against the rules of The Breastfeeding Witches Coven to call us breastfeeding witches out for practicing our powers and our way of life; we’re happy to teach other witches our ways and support each other to be able to master the art of breastfeeding powers. After all, we are not the enemy.
Breastfeeding is for Witches!
With many (spell) books and documentaries on our history of the business of birth, we know physicians and hospitals campaigned against us over 100 years ago to take over the too-good-to-pass-up business opportunity to profit from birth. They started a campaign to destroy midwives by discrediting them, calling them uneducated, dirty and witches. In the midst of the campaign, breastfeeding also culturally became seen as “less-than,” for dirty and uneducated women. Yet again, body shaming women in history (and now) for our bodies doing something natural.
But, thanks to our powers growing again and more witches coming out of hiding, it seems these breastfeeding shammers, body-harming physicians and OBs, and money-hungry, corner-cutting hospitals are soon to witness an overtake with safe, healing, beautiful, qualified midwife attended births over intervening hospital births.
Tina Cassidy shares, “Medieval midwives sometimes kept one fingernail long and sharp in order to puncture a pregnant woman’s amniotic sac. This talon-like nail came to be a sign of a witch, still evident in cartoonish Halloween depictions today,” in her book Birth.
Although I recommend short nails while delivering babies, I do say nice, long and pointed nails fashioned from our witch’s history stylebook have made a nice comeback. I mean look at beautiful Rihanna and Adele wearing them! Or are they witches in hiding as well?
So, be very careful next time you approach a breastfeeding mother to ask her to cover up, or question midwives like Ina May Gaskin on the safety of birth because now I’ve warned you. We are witches with great power who will not be bullied any longer.
Happy Halloween, my Breastfeeding Witch Sisters!
This is breastfeeding satire, so don’t get your panties in a bunch or I’ll really have to cast a spell on you by hypnotizing you with my “sexual” lactating breast.
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