My new family <3

Everyone knows that having a new baby is quite an adjustment, regardless of your circumstances. Even the luckiest ladies with the easiest births, most cooperative babies and happiest families will face challenges at some point. One looming question though, in the days leading to the birth of my son was, “How will my marriage be affected?” I read all kinds of things about how marriages were affected for the better or worse… and here I am now, 15 weeks later reflecting on how my marriage has changed…both for the better and for the worse.

In some ways, having a baby has strengthened my relationship with my husband, but not in the ways I expected. We didn’t have that family bonding moment when my son was born. He was whisked off to NICU and my husband went with, while the surgeons closed me up. I yearned for that moment, thinking that it would strengthen and bond us deeper. Beyond that, I had heard stories of women saying they fell deeper in love with their husbands watching them interact with the baby. I didn’t feel this right away either, and it upset me. Instead, though, we have been bonded in other ways.

Most simply, I’ve come to realize that we have a baby together now, and no matter what happens, he and I need to remain a team. Even if our marriage were to fall apart, it would be so imperative for us to always maintain a healthy relationship for our Critter.

Furthermore, my husband became my biggest supporter with breastfeeding. I was lucky that he was on board with breastfeeding from the beginning. His mother had breastfed him and all of his siblings for a year each, and it’s all he knew. Formula was never a “normal” for him, so he didn’t ever once try to push it. In fact, he is staunchly against it. Not once did I have to work to convince him to see things my way, and for that I thank the Lord. When I was having challenges nursing, and wanted to give up, he sat beside me, holding me as I cried, telling me it’ll be okay, and reminding me that I’m doing what’s best for our baby. Moments like these are raw and scary, but beautiful in hindsight. He pulled me through my darkest, most tragic days and nights. In many ways this has strengthened us. I know he’s on my side, and has my back.

My husband and son after birth

Now that I’m through the darkness and can see things for what they are, I’ve fallen madly in love with the way my husband interacts with Critter. At first, I was angry that he didn’t pick up on cues as easily as me, and didn’t have the instincts like me. But now, I see such a special bond between the two of them. He comes home and picks up his “Little Bear Cub” and plays with and kisses and cuddles him while I cook dinner. He adores that little man, and I know Critter adores his Daddy too.

Unfortunately, these aren’t the only effects growing a family has had. There have been negative effects that we’re learning to live through, and grow from.

Having a baby is hard.

Post partum depression is hard.

Being a woman is HARD.

Being a MOTHER is HARD!

But try being a man, a father, and a husband. Try being the sole provider while your wife and child both need to be cared for physically and emotionally. Try watching your bride practically self destruct during what you thought would be the best time of your life. Try needing your wife, and having her be present but unavailable in every sense.

New babies and marriage, it can change your relationship for better or worse…

My husband has had it tough, too. And I’ve been too focused on my problems to notice what he’s been struggling with. I haven’t been supportive of him or his needs and feelings. That is a recipe for disaster in marriage. And we’re still struggling with it. But it is just that – a struggle. We have jobs and responsibilities that demand our energy and attention, and having a baby leaves no time for nurturing our relationship…but if we accept that and continue down that path it can only mean bad things. We have 2 choices though: either we let his destroy us, or we let it help develop us. I pray for the latter.

I have been told, “Babies are home wreckers.” I refuse to allow that to be true. I refuse to blame my son for my marital challenges. After all, we created this baby as an expression of our love… so that’s what we need to pull us through. Love.

Critter at 3 weeks old

I hope to come back in a few weeks and share with you some advice for overcoming this particular challenge.

Did growing your family help or hurt your marriage? Share with us below your secrets for maintaining a happy marriage in order to grow a happy family!

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld

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Jaimie Zaki

Jaimie is a mom, an Air Force wife, and nurse who grew up in rural Maryland. She has faced many challenges with the transition to motherhood. These challenges however, helped her find her passion for educating and supporting other women throughout their journeys and challenges in breastfeeding, relationships and motherhood. She is really excited to find her voice again by writing for Breastfeeding World and helping spread the good word!

The post New Babies and Marriage appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

Picture from Babycenter.com

A few weeks ago I introduced myself to ya’ll and shared my struggles with new parenthood and postpartum depression. I’m happy to say that since then, I’ve been doing a lot of healing, but I still have a long road ahead of me. I haven’t “beat” it yet. I still have bad days. But I keep the Beast locked in the closet, and it only comes out when it’s broken the locks, and busted through the doors and walls. But getting the Beast chained up and shoved in that closet has been no easy feat.. there is lots of self discovery involved.

I’ve come to discover that my biggest challenge and obstacle is myself. I’m standing in my own way of healing. Well, no more! I’m learning that every day I need to set a goal, make a plan and be productive. Some days this may simply mean taking a shower. Other days it means socialization. All I know is that taking it one day at a time, and pushing myself outside of my comfort zones is really having a positive impact.

One of my ventures that has given me purpose is my new Etsy shop. I’ve started to make custom ring slings, and I will soon be adding products to include nursing covers, bibs, and blankets. This business venture has taught me something very valuable though. Every mother just wants to be happy and comfortable, and we need to support each other through that. This is why I’m starting a business. I’m starting small, but hope to touch mothers’ lives by supporting their individual needs.

While my Etsy shop, and blogging for Breastfeeding World has been very therapeutic it lacks personal interaction. I’m still holed up in a dark house all day. So today, thanks to a neighbor who I hope grows into a good friend, I joined MOPS which is a local Mommy group. I can bring Critter, there is a daycare option if you wish (I don’t), and best of all there is in person, adult to adult, woman to woman interaction for about 2 hours every other week.

I was petrified of attending tho meeting

What if I’m awkward? I don’t know anyone! What if no one likes me? Do I really want to do this? Are these women just going to judge me for something? Are they going to tell me how to raise my kid? I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna wake up. This requires a shower! I should probably stay home.

Well guess what? I was awkward. But I wasn’t the only one. I didn’t know many people.. but I wasn’t the only one. And isn’t that the whole point anyway? Go make friends? Yes. It is! No. No one made me feel judged, and no one offered unsolicited child rearing advice. It didn’t matter if I wanted to go. I had to go. I couldn’t stay home. Guess what else? I actually enjoyed myself. Getting out energized me. I had something to talk to my husband about when he asked how my day went. I didn’t just say, “What do you think?”.

from she knows.com

Mamas, when you’re suffering from Postpartum Depression, and you feel caged up like you can’t go out, or you don’t want to go out… it’s hard, but make like Nike and just do it! I’m so glad I went, and I will continue to go! In fact I’m going to sign up for the other group that meets alternate weeks as well. I was given an opportunity to reflect upon myself, and surround myself with other beautiful mothers who are going through, or have been where I’m at. I have great hopes for this adventure. I hope that I find a new part of myself. I hope to make friends. I hope to learn from others… Did you hear (read) that? I hope. I hope. Hope. I have found hope again. Just when I thought all hope was lost, and just when I thought my life royally sucked… I didn’t fix it all, but I at least found hope.

Now, I challenge you – yes, I’m talking to you, mama. The one wearing the same milk stained shirt for the 3rd day in a row, who may be turning into a vampire from lack of outdoor exposure, wallowing in your dark pit of confusion and despair, YOU – to set a goal, no matter how little, and achieve it. Set a bigger one for tomorrow. Get out of your comfort zone. Be awkward. It’s okay. Just be you. Don’t know who you are anymore? Then go find you.

Leave a comment below to share with us some of your personal challenges and how you’ve overcome them to fight back against the shadows of PPD!

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

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Jaimie Zaki

Jaimie is a mom, an Air Force wife, and nurse who grew up in rural Maryland. She has faced many challenges with the transition to motherhood. These challenges however, helped her find her passion for educating and supporting other women throughout their journeys and challenges in breastfeeding, relationships and motherhood. She is really excited to find her voice again by writing for Breastfeeding World and helping spread the good word!

The post Locking the Postpartum Depression Beast in the Closet appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

From itsgravybaby.com

Congratulations! You’re pregnant! You’ve been educating yourself on all things baby and have come to the decision you want to breastfeed. Good for you! Breastfeeding is a wonderful way to ensure your baby has the best nourishment, but also a great way to nurture all her emotional and physical needs.

You’re probably wondering though, What all do I need to buy to have a successful, long nursing relationship?

Well since the dawn of day, women have nursed without all kinds of fancy gadgets, so really? You need nothing but what the good Lord gave ya. But let’s be real. It’s 2015! You’re a busy woman, and maybe even going back to work soon… you need gadgets and gear.

They make a thousand products from pumps, to pads, to shields and more. They even have breastmilk dipsticks to test your milk for alcohol before feeding baby. Amazing!

However, every woman does not need every product. The following are some products that almost all breastfeeding mothers will find useful:

• Breast Pump
• Breast Pads
• Nipple Cream
• Nursing Bras

Breast Pump

There are many kinds of breast pumps out there. You may be thinking We’re going to exclusively breastfeed, why do I need a pump?

A pump is great for when you’re engorged in the beginning. Maybe you will have an oversupply and need to pump. Maybe you want to donate milk. Or maybe you just want to have an emergency freezer stock if for any reason you were no longer able to breastfeed. You might need to pump bottles for when you’re working. Pumps can even be used to increase low supplies. There are all kinds of reasons you will want to have some kind of pump (manual, or electric) on hand.

There are many options, but I will tell you about my experiences as I can only speak for what I’ve used.

       Medela Pump In Style Advanced

From Medelabreasteedingus.com

I have the Medela Pump In Style Advanced electric pump that I got from Target. This pump typically does a great job at getting milk out, for me. It is the only electric pump I have used. It has a great reputation and lives up to it. The kit you buy comes with everything you need to start out. As long as you clean and replace parts properly, the Medela PISA is a wonderful pump.

It comes with a battery pack (4 AA batteries needed) that in my opinion is a joke. Suction is much weaker with battery use. And the batteries (I’ve used all different brands) die quickly.

Also it is marketed as “hands free” but that is only if you have a bustier (theirs or homemade). The bustier, however, is not included in the starter kit.

       Manual Pump

I also have a yellow Medela plunger that attaches to the back of the “horn” for manual pumping. This little device was given to me when I first met with my Lactation Consultant. It works really well to shove in the diaper bag just in case I might need to relieve a little build up for any reason. I had an oversupply problem for a while so I was making more than Critter could eat and I needed relief.  On some occasions I get more with the manual than the pump because the suction is a bit different.

       Hand Expression

Of course there’s always good ol’ fashioned hand expression. This takes a bit of practice, but almost any time I pump with the above products, I finish up with hand expression and get another 1/2oz -1oz out. Hand expression can take time, and practice and be messy sometimes, but it is way more effective (though maybe less efficient) than using a pump.

        Breast Pads

There are many, many different nursing pads out there from washable to disposable. I personally have only used the Medela disposables and LillyPadz, and this is what I thought:

       Medela Disposables

I used the kind that had a sticky back to hold the pad in place in the cup of the bra. I loved them. I really didn’t have any issues with them except that I went through them too quickly! After 2 boxes of 60pads (less than a 30 day supply per box) I found out that Target sold these in a box of 120, and that is how I recommend you buy these.

       LillyPadz

These were recommended to me by another mom. They are a silicone shell that cups over your nipple and can be worn in the water and more, which makes them great for swimming. They are a great concept and very comfy and natural feeling. You don’t feel any bulk in your bra. They are marketed to be leak free, yet my biggest issue was leakage. However, this may have been due to using them when I was still engorged and battling oversupply and strong, frequent let downs.

This product needs proper cleaning and storage, which is easy. However, if you fail to do this, they will get very yucky. I let mine sit on the counter once and they were covered in dust and dog hair because EVERYTHING sticks to them.

Also, be aware that products like this can NOT be used if you are prone to or are dealing with Thrush. The moist environment is prime real estate for that nasty yeast.

Nipple Creams

I’m going to tell you right now, you NEED nipple cream. Especially if you have as sensitive skin as I do. I started out with the Lasinoh Lanolin Ointment… It did nothing for me. Many moms swear by it and other commercial ointments, but for me the only thing that has worked well is Organic Extra Virgin Coconut Oil. The Coconut Oil has not only been soothing and relieving, it also helps prevent and treat thrush, which I believe we have battled (undiagnosed). As soon as I start noticing symptoms, I make sure I’m using Coconut Oil and the symptoms disappear in a day or two.

Nursing Bras

From Motherhood Maternity

Nursing bras are important for easy breast access. I love the Motherhood Maternity bras. They have a soft, sports bra looking one that is very comfortable. I only have 2 qualms with it. 1. It’s FULL coverage, so I can’t wear it with everything (and I’d love to because its soooo comfy!). 2. The cup pads inside tend to fold and come out in the wash and I find that very inconvenient and frustrating.

I also have Motherhood’s fancier underwire nursing bras. These are nice because you still feel sexy and you can wear them with almost anything. The problem is with the underwire. You MUST be cautious with underwire when nursing, as underwire has been linked to an increased risk for developing mastitis.

I briefly used a weird combo of a soft cup and underwire bra and it was horribly uncomfortable. The only good thing was this particular style had a piece of material covering the top of my breast, so I didn’t feel totally exposed when nursing. I would love if Motherhood added this feature to their awesome bras!

Of course there are many, many more products and brands out there, but these are the basics with my personal opinions attached. Hopefully, this insight can help you find product that will work for you!

What items could you not survive nursing without? What items did you think you would love, but ended up not needing? Comment below to let us other moms in on your product favorites, tips and secrets!

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #BreastfeedingWorld 

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Jaimie Zaki

Jaimie is a mom, an Air Force wife, and nurse who grew up in rural Maryland. She has faced many challenges with the transition to motherhood. These challenges however, helped her find her passion for educating and supporting other women throughout their journeys and challenges in breastfeeding, relationships and motherhood. She is really excited to find her voice again by writing for Breastfeeding World and helping spread the good word!

The post Your Breastfeeding Toolbox appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

Image from downloadyouthministry.com

Two weeks ago I shared with you the long version of my journey with Postpartum Depression. This week, I thought it’d be nice to share one of those specific challenges that ended in a feeling of victory for me. As scary as this road has been, I’ve been lucky to overcome each specific challenge. Sometimes I barely survive it, other times I triumph and do a victory dance holding my imaginary golden trophy up in the air for all to see.

One of the biggest contributors, in my mind, to my postpartum depression was not merely my difficulty with breastfeeding, but more so the way in which it was handled by those who were supposed to be my support system. Here we go…

There I was, sitting on the floor, crying my eyes out while feeding my baby his first bottle of expressed breastmilk.

I wanted to breastfeed. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed. I wanted to ecologically breastfeed. BOTTLES were not part of that plan.

I wanted to enjoy breastfeeding and revel in the convenience of breastfeeding.

But when your nipples are raw and you can’t feed your baby without literally screaming out in pain and crying through the feed, you start to give up.

I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be relentless. I was willing to sacrifice anything, including my comfort and sanity, to ensure Critter was fed with the best. Yet there I was, reluctantly feeding him with a bottle, terrified this would be a slippery slope that would lead to frequent bottle feedings, and eventually a damaged supply.

I saw my OB and was checked for yeast, mastitis, and any other breast issue that could be the culprit. I was fine. She said it must be a problem on the baby’s part. I already knew this.

I told the pediatrician about the pain, and asked about re-evaluating Critter’s tongue and lip ties…Doc’s response? He suggested I “take a break” by supplementing with formula. That was not an option for us. I wasn’t giving up that easily. Not yet. Not without knowing I did everything to avoid that.

I met with the lactation consultant. I asked her to re-evaluate the tongue and lip ties. She said that his latch looked good and she didn’t understand what the problem was, but it couldn’t be the tongue and lip ties…

I went to a La Leche League meeting and they reiterated the echoes in my soul that were telling me there was a problem. Nursing isn’t supposed to hurt. Not this bad anyway, and not this long. Keep pressing.

No matter how many times I asked for the tongue and lip tie to be addressed, I was told that his tongue tie was not bad enough to cause a problem, and that his lip tie would eventually tear on its own and that no doctor would perform a frenectomy. But what I was hearing was, “You’re an over concerned first time mom, stop pushing.” But of course the redhead in me wasn’t giving up that easily.

A Facebook friend invited me to an online breastfeeding support group page. I was told about a doctor in my home state (8 hours from where I currently live) who does this procedure all the time. He is an expert in his field, and everyone was advising me to see him.

After a night of tears, I made the appointment for that week, packed up and drove the 8 hours back home to see this doctor and thank GOD I did! This pediatric dentist examined Critter and found that he definitely needed revision of both the tongue and lip tie. He said this was definitely the reason I was having pain nursing and was appalled at all the other professionals who wouldn’t listen to me when I insisted this was the problem.

Image from staciebingham.com

The same day as the exam, the doctor performed the procedure and Critter immediately started nursing better. His latch looked even better than it did before, it felt better, and we were both happy. I learned that there is no such thing as a “minor” tongue tie. I was told that had we not had the frenectomies, the frenulums could have caused problems with speech, or his teeth in the future. Also, we most likely would not have lasted much longer nursing. He couldn’t even drink out of a bottle properly, so that too would have eventually become a problem.

I also learned that pediatricians are not well versed on matters of oral structure, and if you ever have a nagging concern on anything that your pediatrician brushes off, it’s okay and smart to follow up with a specialist in the field.

I cried tears of joy. I was so proud of myself for taking charge of my son’s healthcare. I was so proud of myself for not just accepting what I was told by someone who calls himself a professional. I was so proud of myself for making this long road trip (with my mom’s help!) with a newborn after starting to doubt myself. I was proud of myself for doing what my heart told me to do. I was proud of myself for following my intuition.

If I hadn’t followed my mother’s intuition I would have given up. Critter would not still be nursing today. Maybe I’d be exclusively pumping, or maybe I’d be throwing away hundreds of dollars a month on formula. I’d definitely be heartbroken that our beautiful nursing relationship ended so early.

Here we are, Critter is almost 3 months old and our nursing relationship is going strong. This was one of the largest nursing challenges we faced thus far, and I am so proud that we overcame it. I know there will be more challenges in the future, but I also know that I have the heart of a lion and the love of a mama bear, and that we can look any challenge in the face and overcome it. Moreover, I know that I need to trust what my heart tells me because Mama really does know best.

With a little bit of education, a lot of support, and tons of trust in yourself, Mama, you too can overcome any challenge motherhood brings you.

Have you ever been in a situation where your gut feeling disagreed with everyone around you? Leave a comment below to share with us your experiences with mother’s intuition.

Jaimie Zaki

Jaimie is a mom, an Air Force wife, and nurse who grew up in rural Maryland. She has faced many challenges with the transition to motherhood. These challenges however, helped her find her passion for educating and supporting other women throughout their journeys and challenges in breastfeeding, relationships and motherhood. She is really excited to find her voice again by writing for Breastfeeding World and helping spread the good word!

The post Mother’s Intuition: When breastfeeding isn’t easy appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

My Critter breastfeeding at approximately 3 weeks old, at the peak of our challenges

My little Critter is now 11 weeks old, and I’m excited to say that after overcoming common challenges, we’re still exclusively breastfeeding. Recently someone expressed shock that I was still breastfeeding. She was surprised because, as she put it, “breastfeeding is such a chore.”

I was befuddled. Nursing is a chore? It requires dedication, but I would hardly call it a chore. A chore by definition is a “difficult or disagreeable task”, or “the daily or regular work of a household or farm”. I may occasionally feel like a cow being milked, but breastfeeding hardly is the same as washing dishes. The ever so convenient alternate option (formula/bottle feeding) actually requires extra chores… so I really don’t see her point…

But I’m here to tell you why breastfeeding is not a difficult or disagreeable task, though it does present occasional challenges.

1. No washing dishes!

Photo taken from Vancouver Sun

The number one reason that breastfeeding is not a chore, is because it literally reduces the amount of housework you have to do. There is no washing, drying and sterilizing of bottles. Your time is not wasted standing at the kitchen sink, but rather you have more time to do all those other tedious tasks… or you can spend that extra time getting extra baby cuddles.

2. Breastmilk is FREE

Spending hundreds of dollars a month on formula is difficult and disagreeable. But who says “No” to free food?! Breastmilk doesn’t cost a single penny! Even if you are able to score free formula one way or another, if you breastfeed you don’t have to worry about taking inventory to make sure you have enough formula, or waste your time running to the store in the middle of the night when you realize you miscalculated what you had left.

3. Just bring the boobies!

Rushing out of the house? Don’t forget to pack your bottles, and make sure you bring enough! What if you end up out of the house longer than you planned and don’t have enough formula to make a bottle? Oh, and where are you gonna warm up that bottle? Do you have a cooler to keep it cool in the hot car if you’re out for a while? Hmm…

Well, if all you bring is what the good Lord gave ya, then all your problems are solved! You have the best milk on demand 24/7, always at the perfect temperature! How could it get any easier than that?!

4. Special connection

When you’re feeding with bottles, it becomes very tempting to just prop the bottle and let the baby eat while you wash, dry, and sterilize the dirty bottles. But when you’re breastfeeding, you’re forced to take time out of your hectic day to just sit, cuddle with, and stare into your little one’s inquisitive eyes. What part of baby cuddles, kisses, and giggles is “difficult or disagreeable”? Personally, despite all the other perks and positive things about breastfeeding, this one is my absolute favorite. Yeah, breastfeeding can be time consuming… but at least my time is being spent bonding with my precious Critter instead of being sucked up by – you guessed it – chores!

During all the challenges we had breastfeeding, I knew it was what I wanted to do, but felt breastfeeding was making my life harder, so I understand why someone may momentarily consider it “a chore”.  However, I was constantly reminding myself of the many ways breastfeeding would eventually make my life easier, and now I’m so glad I kept going. Breastfeeding is not only easy, but if you read my last post, you’ll know I credit the bond nursing builds with saving my relationship with my baby, and my life.

So, to all my new mamas reading this:

If you’re in the early stages of breastfeeding, thinking about how tough it is, and how much easier it would be to just give your critter a bottle, slow your roll… It might be hard right now, but once you get past these challenges (and you will!) you will quickly learn that breastfeeding is not a chore…

Did I miss any of the perks of breastfeeding? What is your favorite thing that makes breastfeeding the best option for you and your baby? Leave us your comments down below!

Be sure to join us in our social media accounts to be up to date with the progress of our project!

And… Don’t forget to share your brelfies using our HT #NYCBreastfeedingWorld 

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Jaimie Zaki

Jaimie is a mom, an Air Force wife, and nurse who grew up in rural Maryland. She has faced many challenges with the transition to motherhood. These challenges however, helped her find her passion for educating and supporting other women throughout their journeys and challenges in breastfeeding, relationships and motherhood. She is really excited to find her voice again by writing for Breastfeeding World and helping spread the good word!

The post Four Reasons Why Breastfeeding is Not a Chore appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

It is not uncommon for women to find themselves walking through the woods of despair in the weeks following childbirth.

These feelings of fear and anxiety are typically considered the baby blues. However, according to the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), if these symptoms have not resolved themselves independently within 1-2 weeks postpartum, mama may be suffering from postpartum depression.

There are many different causes and risk factors for postpartum depression, including hormonal shifts and personal experiences. There are also many suggested courses of treatment. We can delve into all of that another time, but right now I’d like to share my story with you as a sort of personal therapy, and to let other mamas know they are NOT alone in this dark journey.

Days of Darkness: One mom’s journey with Postpartum Depression

After my son was born via an unwanted cesarean, he was taken to the NICU for a few hours to stabilize his oxygen levels. The experience of his birth was overall quite traumatic for me, but my journey had only begun. In the days following my son’s birth, it was physically difficult for me to care for him due to a difficult recovery from my surgery. Before long I found myself crying in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night, and for no apparent reason at all. I constantly blamed myself for silly little things, acting like they were the end of the world.

One of the most difficult moments was when I started screaming at my family, which upset the baby, and then my husband had to wrestle me away from our gun safe as I had decided they were all better off without me.

That’s when we knew I needed help. Thoughts of harming yourself and others are the biggest sign that you need immediate help. Unfortunately, I am stubborn and refused to talk to anyone other than my husband about my feelings. I was afraid that if I was honest with a therapist about my feelings that they would take my baby away from me, which would only make things much worse.

Thoughts of harming yourself and others are the biggest sign that you need immediate help.
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The days went by.

Soon I faced challenges breastfeeding. At the same time, I adjusted as as my parents left and my husband went back to work.

Why are they trusting ME with this little baby’s life? I can barely take care of myself! But every day I mustered up the strength to care for him.

I decided I would try the old fake it til you make it method… and it worked. Until it didn’t. As I tearfully filling out the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale at the pediatrician’s office, it became apparent. I was not getting better. My mom came back to help out for a bit, and when my OB called to check on me regarding the score on my survey, I told her I was fine and my mom could handle it. She was happy to hear that, but her response was like a dagger: “Well if you feel like you need anything, give us a call and we will prescribe you something.”

Yes. Some women need medication. But that should NEVER EVER be the immediate course of action! She never even offered therapy or anything! How dare she just throw pills at the problem?!

Now I really started to fake it. I was great, I faked so good I had myself convinced I beat it.

Then it happened.

I hit rock bottom. Hard.

I sat crying for an hour in the shower after deciding that Critter was better off without me.

I actually thought that giving my baby away would be better for him. My thoughts went a mile a minute, shifting gears, getting very dark and quite frankly very screwed up. My mother offered to take the baby for a while when I shared my feelings with her. I suddenly realized maybe he wasn’t better off without me… after all, where would he get his boobie milk?! And there it was, I realized that one of the very challenges I thought may be contributing to the darkness was the actually the answer to finding peace.

And there it was, I realized that one of the very challenges I thought may be contributing to the darkness was the actually the answer to finding peace.
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Breastfeeding Critter, through the darkness and despite the challenges, was my only solace. When I felt like I hadn’t bonded with my baby, breastfeeding is what saved us. No matter how “bad” I was for my baby, I was the only one who could give him what he needed.

I’m still struggling every day. Some days are better than others. It has officially been 3 weeks since my last serious episode, though I battle at least a few dark thoughts and heartache daily. Last night, I finally admitted that I do need to find a therapist, and that I do need help still.

However, I think maybe the best therapy for me is getting the message out there that Postpartum Depression is real

. It is SCARY. Mothers need to stop pretending it doesn’t exist. We need to talk about it. But most of all, we need to share our stories and give each other love and support. The following link provides some information on postpartum depression, causes, treatments and support groups.

It is my deepest hope that if you are suffering from PPD you find the strength and courage to persevere, and to accept the help that you need.

Are you suffering from postpartum depression? Do you know someone who is? Leave us a comment below and share your thoughts.

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Jaimie Zaki

Jaimie is a mom, an Air Force wife, and nurse who grew up in rural Maryland. She has faced many challenges with the transition to motherhood. These challenges however, helped her find her passion for educating and supporting other women throughout their journeys and challenges in breastfeeding, relationships and motherhood. She is really excited to find her voice again by writing for Breastfeeding World and helping spread the good word!

The post “My Baby is Better off Without Me”- A Mom’s Journey Through Postpartum Depression appeared first on Breastfeeding World.