Latching on to Motherhood: Part 1
Guest Post Series by Molly Chanson of Soul Ma
The baby finally slept. My father in law leaned over the back of the couch and peered lovingly at baby Bennett, who was swaddled tightly inside his Moses basket. From my spot on the other side of the couch, I noticed the joy on his face as he watched his new grandson sleep. He had just come from the office and was wearing a simple cotton t-shirt tucked into black dress pants. It was a hot June day and I could hear people walking their dogs on the sidewalk outside. I glanced down at my socks and pajamas, and thought about what I would normally be doing on a sunny summer evening. Suddenly exhausted, I wanted to sleep myself.
“It’s fun being a new mommy, isn’t it?” he excitedly said.
“Yeah.” I smiled back and nodded.
I looked at my new son in the basket my friend had given to me. She’d used it with all 3 of her boys.
It was quite an adorable spot to lay the baby in–hand woven with pale yellow reeds and lined with soft, ivory fabric. It had two handles on the sides, each decorated with a tiny silk bow. For all purposes, it functioned as an actual basket. But, I was cautioned, it probably wasn’t a good idea to actually carry the baby in the basket, as the handles were purely for decoration. Despite this impractical aspect, it did create the perfect, magazine-worthy napping space for a baby.
“Well, I’m off but I’ll stop by again tomorrow! I love you.” My father-in-law kissed me on the forehead and gathered his things. As he walked down the stairs and noisily shut the door, the baby jumped. His eyelids twitched and his arms sprung loose from the swaddle.
I couldn’t breathe–please don’t wake up, not yet…
Bennett settled back into his slumber, and I slowly exhaled.
Me, the basket, and the baby, had been on this couch for days. The basket and the baby were so delicate and tender – when Bennett slept in it, everything looked like a magical scene out of Pottery Barn’s Nursery edition. And then there was me–unshowered, undressed, and unqualified.
Tears sprung to my eyes and I felt a knot form in my stomach.
How could I have been so naïve?
New babies were hard work. I was so in love, yet terrified at the same time. There are expectations around motherhood – everyone else around me was elated and celebrating.
I don’t think it’s ok to admit you’re scared of your own baby. I wouldn’t admit it –to myself, or to anyone.
This special guest post series are pieces from Molly Chanson, a sponsor for Breastfeeding World’s 2018 multi-city Big Latch On Events. She is the owner of Soul Ma, a high end clothing brand designed to help women conquer every stage of motherhood in fashion. Find her at our NYC Times Square Big Latch On!
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A photography project founded in late 2014 by Alexia Garcia, photographer a Alegares Photography. Breastfeeding World aims to promote breastfeeding and encourage new moms to nurse their babies through the art of photography and story telling.
