Whether you are ready to make love soon after birth or you need more time, sex after birth, for everyone, is like discovering unchartered territory.

Has This Ever Been You?

The baby has been sleeping for a while now, and you and your partner eye each other. Could this be the moment? The moment that you remember that you are also lovers? That you created this life together?

Gentle touches. Let’s see how this feels…

WAAAAAAAAA!

Baby’s awake. Moment postponed.

Yes, it’s happened to me, too.  And to lots of mothers around the globe. We are all just trying to figure out how, where, and when we can have sex with our parters without a baby crawling between us (figuratively and literally).

So, in the spirit of friendship, we asked women what sex after birth was like for them. People shared a wide variety of experiences. From struggles to triumphs, it’s pretty obvious that there is not one “normal” way to feel. I hope that you can identify with some of these mothers, and hopefully know that you are not alone as you discover YOUR new normal way of making love.

Here’s what they told us:

If Only I Could Hold On To Those Sexy Pregnant Hormones

Sex during pregnancy was amazing. I would even masterbate because I was just so juicy. I read somewhere that during pregnancy you have extra blood flowing through you. It reaches everywhere of course, so your vagina is basically pulsating more than usual. Take advantage of this sexy time, ladies!

But when I was pregnant with all those hormones, he was so scared that doing it would affect her development, pissed me off so much because … I’m pregnant and full of THOSE hormones… Even after I assured him she was fine (We were like 24 weeks at this point and I was still small) – he finally said that the pregnant belly throws him off! Definitely annoying and we had many arguments because I was already feeling the heaviest I’d ever been. Bleh.

Physical And Emotional Healing After Birth Is Not Always Simple Or Quick.

I had an episiotomy with my first child, and I was disappointed to find that sex was painful for quite a long time after. I had previously enjoyed a daily vigorous sex drive, and I was discouraged when the “Big O” wasn’t happening.

After I had my son, I could actually say that I had an aversion to sex. I was exhausted all the time, finishing my degree, living in a place where sex was not fun, I could go on. I was always waiting for that feeling of being in the mood. You know, that feeling you get in your early 20s, that doesn’t need provoking, it just is. But it never came (no pun intended, especially since that wasn’t a problem). After I had my daughter, I was still feeling this way. Now, it was worse! Which I didn’t think was possible. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy sex when we were actually in the moment. Actually, there were many times, after sex, that I thought to myself, hmm how come we don’t do this more.

Then one day it hit me. Everything, literally everything about my life is different after I have had kids. Why wouldn’t I expect my sex drive and sex life to follow suit. Maybe it was okay to not just spontaneously feel in the mood. Maybe it was okay to work on it a little! So. I did. At least once a week, I would work on getting myself in the mood. Funny enough, it didn’t take much, and I realized that it was my mind doing this to me, not my body. I worked on letting everything go, stop worrying about my never ending list and be in the moment, for once. Suddenly things were so much better. I found a new way to enjoy sex, just like I found new ways to enjoy many aspects of my before-kids life.

Sex Requires Time – Away From The Baby

It took four months and a night away from the baby to have my “O” moment back.

The reality is, working and being around so many people and having the baby nurse, there is no time.

I don’t know about you, but I need some time to get in the mood. I need a sweet conversation, a laugh, a giggle, a feeling of connection. But when you have a baby, it’s like there’s always this little clock ticking inside your head. “How much time do we have? Okay, you tell me I’m beautiful, I’ll kiss your neck, and then let’s do it! Hurry because I really want to cuddle afterwards too.” It’s just not sexy for me when we are timed.

We have to guess how fast it’s going to go before baby girl wakes up and starts crawling out while we’re mid way.

How I View My Body Has Really Changed

I was very young and scared that birth ruined my body.

I try not to let it show, but it bothers me. A lot. Particularly my mid-section, and I hate exposing it to my husband. I’d just as soon keep a shirt on, which of course he hates.

I love my after-baby body in many different ways. It has changed, definitely. There are some things about it that I don’t like. But I try to focus on the many ways that I love it. My body grew two beautiful children, it safely birthed those two children and made me a mother. It has nourished those children, fully, for their first year of life and comforted them far beyond that. My husband always talks about how sexy he thinks I am, goes into detail about what he loves about my body and mind. Let me tell you, that instantly does me in.

High Levels Of Oxytocin (The Hormone Produced While Breastfeeding) Is Known For Diminishing Libido

I think my hormones are so out of whack that I have no drive in “that way” at All. I’m happy, I love my husband, but I would be perfectly content with sex once a month.

I want to feel sexy again, but I just don’t. I feel like my body is just meant for other things right now.

Lube is my best friend.

Sleep Is So Much More Important

Sometimes, when both kids are miraculously sleeping in their own beds instead of ours, we lie down together, look at each other and sort of start to hold hands or hug a a little bit. I think we are both thinking, “we could totally have sex right now. Ok, I’ll go along with it if she/he initiates” And then we both fall asleep because dude, this life.. it’s so exhausting!

Honestly, sometimes, I’d rather be sleeping.

Fear Is Real

I’m afraid that my husband won’t be turned on by my postpartum body. My stomach is flabby, shaving my legs seems like a total waste of time so I’m really hairy, the puffy eyes from not having enough sleep.. I’m not sexy like before.

I’m terrified of getting pregnant- the last one was hard, working full time, momming full time- I’m not in an emotional or physical state where I want another baby at the moment, and even with condoms, my fear of getting pregnant was so strong it overpowered any desire for sex.

Boobs Are For Milk

I’m always afraid that my husband is going to get sprayed with milk in the heat of the moment.

My husband actually doesn’t mind drinking a little breastmilk every now and then during sex.

Oh. And for the love of all things holy, LEAVE MY BOOBS ALONE.

I Am Constantly Thinking About The Birth

I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that a baby just came out of there and how will I ever be able to have sex again without thinking about that?

Creating The Right Ambience Becomes A Fine Art (And Not Everyone’s Got The Skills)

Luckily we have amazing parents who will take our kids so we can have overnight date nights! I think that is a great tip. Casino, hotel and spa, anywhere you can go and feel like yourself and sexy again, not at home where you’re looking at the dirty dishes, overflowing laundry and diaper pales… Lol!

Co-sleeping makes it hard!

I don’t even bother doing it in my bed, because co-sleeping 

How about cosleeping and then baby waking up (on the other end of the bed) looking to nurse calling out – Mom Mom Mom 

After doing some real soul searching and realizing that my new normal is having to help myself get in the mood, I found some go-to things that helped me.
Relaxing! Letting the day and worry melt off of me
A bubble bath
A massage
Sexy movies (relax not porn, although you can do that too if you’re into it lol)
Connecting with my husband, cuddling and tons of foreplay, anything but sex until we really want it (we usually do this after I’ve done one of the above too lol)

I used to think I just didn’t have the time for all of this. Then I realized that sex is important!!!!! And I need to MAKE the time for it.

Someone touching you 100% of the time is enough to drive anyone completely insane

It’s hard to be needed all day, having kids hanging on you- I need alone time to recharge and the last thing in the world I wanted was to be touched.

My partner is so ready, but I’m not

If my drive has slacked- he has made up for it in his. It’s caused a huge rift between us and can be a sore spot- if he pushes, my brain automatically pushes back. It’s not how I want to be, it’s not how I want my marriage to be, and I certainly want my husband to feel connected, even if I don’t. But it takes its toll, and I don’t know how to make it better.

Every time we have sex (which is hardly ever) my husband makes a joke about how we finally did it. I feel bad that he wants to have sex more than me, but I’m also grateful that he can joke about it in a lighthearted way.  I think that things will pick up sooner or later (better if it’s sooner, though!)

Once my husband got so excited over something and felt like, it’s ok if she’s awake and playing in her crib (which is connected to our bed, so technically, still able to crawl to us), meanwhile, I was NOT.

Our love and connection has deepened

When I see my husband and how he is with our child. So patient, so loving.. it really turns me on.

I feel like we’ve been through so much together, that our bond is stronger now.

There is absolutely nothing like the way I feel about my husband now. After working on myself, and getting my drive back, it is amazing how seeing how he loves our children makes me want to jump him. And forget it, if he cleans the house too, I am sweating with anticipation!

I’ve never felt pleasure like this before

I used to always need my clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. For some reason, after giving birth, I don’t need that anymore.

I think I just learned to have more trust in my body, and confidence in myself.

I know my body better now, and I’m not afraid to say what feels good. So I feel like sex is better now because I am more in charge and I know what I like.

I am not what you would describe as a shy person. But, in a private setting, I was always pretty shy about my body. After having kids, I am so confident in my body, in myself. All of my inhibitions have left. I know what I like and I am not afraid to share it now and that has been things so amazing.

The relief that I could again enjoy sex was astounding.

Please share your sex after birth experiences and feelings in the comments below. We would love to hear from you!

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Anne Kathryn Rice

Anne Kathryn Rice is an American mother of two strong willed children living on the Italian Riviera. She writes about motherhood and listening to your inner voice, even when cultural expectations, baby books, and impromptu advice seem to challenge your instincts. You can read more about her personal experiences on her blog.