What does it even mean? Maybe I’m projecting because I don’t “practice” it, or feel like I have time to practice it. But really, its seems like all the top executives from all the leisure activities people love, got together and said, “we need to make these already expensive and luxurious items super elusive and market them to parents who have ZERO time do to them- and make them feel bad about it.” Job well done!

It’s not that I don’t want to take a warm, Lavender Epsom Salt bath wearing the new Honest mud mask while sipping full moon crystal charged Berkey water from a hand thrown ceramic mug I bought on my kid-free staycation last Tuesday when I took some “me time” in the middle of the afternoon… Because believe me, I want to. Its just that, I can’t. And I am someone who ‘comes from a place of Yes’ as they say!

But really, self-care, you are out of control. Your expectations of me are way too high- borderline unattainable.

Before the new “self care” term came about, it meant something to drink a hot cup of coffee in the morning. Or wipe alone (after going to the bathroom with your 1 year old on your lap and toddler sitting on her mini potty at your feet). Those were stolen moments that translated to caring for yourself or being mindful of your sanity. Now, unless I’m hiring a sitter to watch the kids so I can sit in the Himalayan Salt Room after a Reiki session and sound therapy I’m not effectively taking care of myself and therefore not doing right by my kids. Holy moly. Self care.

“Self Care” because I’m drinking water AND going to the bathroom. Double whammy.

And I am the worst offender! I was talking to a friend at a playdate for my youngest the other day and she was opening up to me about how exhausted she is working and parenting. I heard myself say, “sounds like you really need to practice some self care.” There it is, rearing its ugly head again! What does that even mean? She gave me a knowing look like I offered her sage advice from the Dalai Lama. Ah yes, Self Care. I’m sure I’ll run into her at the next Aromatherapy for Spiritual Awakening Kirtan.

Here are my tips for r e a l self care. Brace yourself…

1. Drink a cup of coffee, tea or warm water at some point before noon. Even if it means you had to microwave it 1,2,3 times.
2. Set an intention to shower at least twice a week. Baby wipes do count for a last minute fix during the week.
3. Fit in one Netflix binge at night after the kids are sleeping (if you are one of the lucky ones)
4. Eat one spoonful of Cool-Whip straight from the container at least once a week and don’t feel anything but joy about it.
5. Take a deep breath of fresh air when you step outside to get your mail.
6. Be gentle on yourself- we are all doing everything we can to raise wonderful, functional children.

I promise to practice self care this week- I mean, hey, I put on clean socks this morning after I cleaned up the dog poop from the rug AND I already had my coffee…and its well before noon. Self care for the win!

Alyia Cutler

A birth doula formerly out of Brooklyn, we moved our family to the foot of Mt Beacon in the Hudson Valley, NY. Between raising two kids, a greyhound and a sphynx cat- and supporting birthing people and their families through pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum, I have my hands full- and my heart more so! My life is a constant stream of breastmilk, grocery shopping and gratitude.

www.risingmoondoula.com

The post Why I Hate “Self Care” appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

“Is cluster feeding normal?” (Yes.)

“Is the ‘ring of fire’ real?” (Yes, though miserable imagery in that phrase.)

“Do I need to ‘pump and dump’?” (No.)

“How long will it take to ‘bounce back’ after birth?” (That concept is an illusion.)

The list goes on. There also some questions that never get asked, for one reason or another. Though I know from personal experience and years doing doula work that parents, specifically the birthing parent, are wondering about. Let’s begin with this one:

Will I ever want to have sex again?

Believe it or not- one day, maybe far from now and maybe right around the corner, you will feel strong, sexy and ready to engage in more physically intimate acts with your partner. Imagine that! It may just happen out of nowhere.

You may wake up one morning or get ready for bed one night and BAM, like a bolt of sexual lightening you will be transformed into a sex goddess and be ready to ‘make up for lost time’, as they say.

Oh how I hope that is you!

For most though, it will be a slow and steady journey of self-care and emotional bonding with your partner that will ready you for deeper physical intimacy.

Ensuring you are nourished, quenched, well slept (its all relative) and feeling supported by your partner, family, friends, whomever, will lend itself to the revival of your libido.

I hadn’t been hit by a bolt of “sexual lightening” yet here…

And also, biology. For many, breastfeeding can keep Estrogen levels low, which can result in vaginal dryness- making intercourse uncomfortable without lubricant- and making you disinterested in sex at all. In that case, staying well hydrated and practicing patience are key.

No one can guarantee that you will return to the feelings you experienced before your pregnancy. Things have changed, shifted, grown.

If you can mentally accept the change and welcome in patience and self care, you can rest assured that your sex drive will be there waiting for you with a smile…and a wink

Alyia Cutler

A birth doula formerly out of Brooklyn, we moved our family to the foot of Mt Beacon in the Hudson Valley, NY. Between raising two kids, a greyhound and a sphynx cat- and supporting birthing people and their families through pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum, I have my hands full- and my heart more so! My life is a constant stream of breastmilk, grocery shopping and gratitude.

www.risingmoondoula.com

The post Will I Ever Have Sex Again? appeared first on Breastfeeding World.

We’ve all seen the movies- a young, gorgeous couple has drunk sex, conceives a baby effortlessly, woman goes into labor and channels all of her discomfort at her husband- yelling and cursing at him, “YOU DID THIS TO ME”. Then baby is born (magically already clean and swaddled) and the parents share a knowing look, sweet kiss and eventually a loving slow dance at 2am in the living room while rocking their quiet, sleeping infant. Hmmm…

That’s a lot to unpack- however there’s one thing in particular that irks me the most.

I don’t remember ever lovingly slow dancing in the living room at 2am. I remember cluster feeding in the dark while my partner slept. I remember pacing the bedroom, rocking the baby while she cried- endlessly, thinking, ‘wow, HE can really sleep through a n y t h i n g’.

So I wonder, am I the only one who hated my partner after I had my baby?

I didn’t hate him all the time; and certainly at varying degrees throughout the day (the highest degrees overnight). I didn’t tell him I hated him- and I didn’t tell anyone who came over to visit. But boy, did I feel it.

Max & Alyia Cutler, one day into marriage

A question many people have but don’t ask is, “Will I ever stop hating my partner?”

Yes, the odds are likely you will eventually stop hating your partner. Especially with first babies, there is a long, confusing, often treacherous terrain learning curve. And to add insult to injury, you and your partner are probably on different curves, traveling at different paces. You may be parenting on instinctual cues and gut feelings and your partner is getting advice from friends, books or blogs. Or you are up all night breastfeeding, cluster feeding, pumping, rocking, swaddling, and your partner is sleeping better than the baby…(just the thought gives me mini palpitations)

Either way, this too shall pass. Too cliché? But its true! Eventually your learning curves meet at a rest stop and share a huge reunion hug. For some it takes around 12 weeks, for others around 12 months. Yes, that’s a big difference. But yes, everyone is different!

The key to shifting your curves in similar directions is two fold: Communication and Surrender.

The first is toted as the key to a happy relationship in general. Got a problem? Talk about it. Have a question? Ask it. Need help? Say it. No exceptions!!

The second can be a bit more subtle. Surrendering is a constant practice. Rooted heavily in self-talk. Reminding yourself that it won’t ruin everything to try something your partner suggests. And it won’t be the end of the world to let your partner take the baby for a bit so you can take a nap, eat something, shower, walk outside, do anything, really. Surrendering to the idea that you can let someone else try something their way, or help you in a way you hadn’t considered can be magic. There’s a reason you chose your partner originally- right? Surrender. Be gentle on yourself and your partner and see what happens.

You may find you hate them a little less… or not…

Disclaimer: ‘Hate’ is a strong word. I use it a bit ‘tongue in cheek’ and the reality is, there are a lot of very big feelings swirling around during pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum. Hate is often used to talk about feelings of resentment, confusion, exhaustion- all common after having a baby. However, if you notice you’re feeling that and/or down, sad, miserable, anxious most of your day, please know you can change that. You deserve to feel good- call a therapist, talk to someone you trust, get support. Same goes for your partner

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Alyia Cutler

A birth doula formerly out of Brooklyn, we moved our family to the foot of Mt Beacon in the Hudson Valley, NY. Between raising two kids, a greyhound and a sphynx cat- and supporting birthing people and their families through pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum, I have my hands full- and my heart more so! My life is a constant stream of breastmilk, grocery shopping and gratitude.

www.risingmoondoula.com

The post New Mom Confessions: Will I Ever Stop Hating My Partner? appeared first on Breastfeeding World.